Our goal in any relationship is to be our best half—unless, we’re talking about the relationship we have with ourselves. With the relationship we have with ourselves we must be whole. We cannot be whole if we’re focusing on everyone else first. Unless we value our needs, desires, wants, bodies, time, energy, attention, values, beliefs we will end up losing ourselves in relationship.
Hollywood, Bollywood, and the dark and seedy studios off 3rd avenue would have us believe sex is love. We’ll sex is not love. Sex is sex. Love is love. Sex with love is fantastic. Sex without love is the porn industry.
We’ll that’s the truth because anyone can have sex. In fact too many people have sex without thinking about the 1 million and one repercussions from engaging in the feel-good but fleeting bodily fluid exchange. Who thinks about AIDS, STD’s, or the possibility of having a child when in the throes of passion? Responsible people that’s who. But not my 13 year old mother. She was not old enough to be responsible. She did not have the life experience or self-love and self-respect necessary to say hell no, not without protection. Nope just focused on the moment or too inexperienced to even know what was happening. Willing yes but ignorant for sure.
Then 9 months later I surprised her and burst out into the world. Seriously she did not even know she was pregnant. I came as a complete and utter shock. So immature and inexperienced she had no clue she was even pregnant. But I am one of the lucky ones. I was adopted by a couple who wanted me and who had enough education and life experience under their belts to actually raise me. No, children do not come with an owner’s manual and they do not raise themselves. So if we do not properly nurture, care for, respect, love and educate ourselves we sure can’t do this for another human being.
Sex is great when the HUGE responsibility that goes along with it is respected and honored. That is why love makes sex so great. Love is responsible, caring, kind, loyal, honest, and dependable. Love is forgiving, reliable, and true. Love wants the best life for all involved and seeks to get the knowledge and skills necessary to help create that best life.
When the values of love accompany sex then WOW the universe explodes in a Tantric meteor shower of trust and emotional security. And when the values of love are absent, well little Regina’s enter the world, many destined to fend for themselves without guidance, without their dreams supported, and without learning how to create a successful life filled with love, compassion and purpose.
Sex without responsibility is like walking a tight-rope holding a vial of nitroglycerine. Sex with responsibility is magical and a deeply spiritual experience. The kind of experience we all want but sadly do not get by thinking sex is love.
In this Episode:
We do not have the power to change anyone but ourselves. The only power we have is to love others by setting a positive and powerful example of what self-love looks like. We can be a mirror for a healthy life filled with self-respect and control but other people have to look within themselves to see what about their behavior is preventing them from happiness, self-respect and self-control.
My parents are big Texas Ranger baseball fans. During a recent visit we were watching a game when two young men ran onto the field. The commentators took us through the action of security personnel tackling them and taking them directly to jail.
Watching this reminded me of long ago when someone ran onto the field and the television cameras would show the details. I am grateful television stopped doing that. I guess someone finally figured out the higher wisdom of not giving attention to those who intentionally disrupt and inconvenience so many for their completely self-centered and irresponsible motives.
Won’t it be wonderful when news organizations around the world stop giving the majority of attention to the perpetrators of crime and instead focus their coverage on the victims and how we can learn something from the situation? I believe this action alone will create positive change within our global society.
To help facilitate this change let’s you and I take the lead by refusing to support any person or media organization that hawks speculation and features those who behave negatively. Let’s support those organizations focusing the majority of attention on how we can best use the challenges we face to change ourselves and society for the better.
All fulfilling relationships whether they are friendships, family interactions, or with significant others, have one big thing in common – they are made up of people who have a clearly defined sense of their own identity. Each has a solid understanding of who they are, so they are comfortable communicating their needs and desires to others. This is why to have the best relationships possible with others you have to be a strong on your own as an individual.
Lao Tzu said, “If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled. If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”
I spent many years looking to other people for fulfillment. I was not grateful to be a unique individual. I wanted to be like everyone else, to blend into the crowd, to be accepted, to finally receive the validation I needed.
For too long, I went along with the idea of success as defined by my peers and society, which meant having attained wealth, position and honors. In order to be a success, I got a good education. Then I landed a series of respectable jobs with great benefits and, at some of them, a big corner office. Although I did not dislike my jobs, I was not content. My days were jam-packed with work, leaving little time for anything else. My overcrowded schedule cost me relationships with my partner, friends, pets and myself. I had no time to really enjoy life. I was too busy being a success.
But how successful are we if we are not grateful for each and every blessing bestowed on us? Dr. Vincent Ryan said, “The secret to life is to know when enough is enough.”
In our current society where happiness is tied to things the attitude of bigger is better, more is better, newer is better, younger is better, does not leave much room for being satisfied with what we have.
My partner came into our relationship with an old toaster oven. It must be from the 80s. It sits on the counter next to a new, high tech coffee maker. The old me would replace that old toaster oven with a shiny new one. But the old one works great. And, it still looks good, just old.
Today I am grateful for the old toaster oven. No it is not high tech but it works. Now I am more concerned about not contributing to our make it break it throw it away world than I am what people who come into my kitchen think about my old toaster oven. She seems to be part of the family. When she breaks we get her fixed, sort of like us.
Being grateful for all we have is a way of walking through life. True gratitude is not a temporary state of mind but a lifestyle with many benefits. Joy and fulfillment are a result of gratitude. And, researches are discovering our physical and mental health are also now being tied to our thankfulness.
We’re more optimistic when we’re grateful which boosts the immune system. Researchers now believe people who are optimistic maintain higher numbers of blood cells that protect the immune system. Being grateful feels good and impacts others positively as well.
This week I challenge you to make a list of what you are grateful for. Not just your family, friends, job, pets, home. Think of those things you tend to take for granted like indoor plumbing, paved roads, clean drinking water, heat, electricity, the internet, immunizations, grocery stores.
Everything we do in life is a results of a choice we make. Having a grateful attitude is a choice to see our glass full to overflowing. I guarantee when you lead with a grateful heart life responds.
For many years, my life was created by an arrogant, self-centered mind “committee” of which I was an absentee member. I did not realize the agenda was a steady stream of negativity and fear. From morning until night, the committee deliberated about what I did wrong today, yesterday, or a year ago. It made detailed lists of the unkind things people said or did to me. It focused on the negativity in the world and rationalized receiving what it wanted when it wanted it.
We are spiritual beings on great human adventures. We are to love one another, encourage and support each other on the journey of connecting with and living guided by the higher, kinder and wiser part of ourselves. We get bogged down in egocentric minutiae by telling one another we can only achieve a soul-connection to our spiritual nature if they believe what we do or if they have the same image of God we do. These type limiting edicts are not faith based and completely miss the point of a soul focused journey. We cannot create a pure connection to the loving Divine as long as we are unwilling to open ourselves to the expansiveness of God which cannot be boxed into any form. A true connection with soul requires letting go of anything, any belief, any attitude that causes us to judge one another or treat one another with anything but Divine unconditional and accepting love.
We can evaluate one another based on behavior. Is someone’s consistent actions loving, patient, respectful, supportive, accepting, peaceful, non-judgmental, open-minded, etc. We can evaluate (non-biased) someone’s kind and compassionate character or their disrespectful, controlling and condemnatory actions, and still love them. But we cannot tell another person who is living a responsible, caring and productive life they are doing it wrong. Being a person of honorable character is the goal of all spiritual paths.
There are 7 billion plus souls on this planet each created by a Divine source. Whatever way a soul finds that actually results in consistently kind, compassionate, peaceful, responsible, open and honest behavior as a spiritual being who lives guided by love that is the right path for that soul. The goal is to find the right path for us to the Divine rather than judging others because they are not on the same path. Love encourages and supports. Love is the motivation behind a true spiritual path.