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You Don’t Need a Magic Wand

magic wand

Have you ever wished you had a magic wand?  You could wave that magically stick and people would change and at last your life would be happier, flow easier, and everything would be okay.

I grew up on fairy tales. Deep down I always knew magical wands are not real but I stubbornly clung to the idea if I just screamed loud enough, harped long enough, bitched long enough people would change and my life would suddenly be magical.  Never happened! Not once did anyone change because of my wanting them to.

I realized this, for good, which means I accepted the reality of not being able to change anyone other than myself around my 43 birthday.  I was throwing the biggest pity party anyone ever coordinated.  It was a sight to behold but no one was there with me to see it, thank goodness.  As I look back now I am glad I was all alone.  I guess many miracles happen in our lives without any one to bear witness.  I think we come to important realizations in life, those that truly help us change and grow, in solitude.

For me the miracle came in the form of finally surrendering to the truth I would never be able to change anyone but myself.  Man I held on to that misguided and wrong notion for so many years.  I grew up witnessing my parents try to change one another.  Attempting to get other people to change seemed to be part of how we relate to one another in relationship.  But that day I finally accepted after so many years of repeated trial and error that I was never going to get someone to change.

I came to this realization by candidly looking back at the changes I’d made in my life.  I stopped smoking, breaking a 22 year old habit.  I lost almost 63 pounds through hard work and changing how I eat. I stopped being codependent by learning to depend on myself and to look within for the validation I wanted to ensure my self-respect and self-worth.  While other people cheered me on I was the one who had to take the actions necessary to change myself.

It is great to have other’s support us but in the end, the bottom line is we are the only person who can make changes to ourselves.  That is the ‘aha’ that allowed me to accept changing other people was up to them also.

A wonderful thing happened to me and my world with this realization.  As I took responsibility to identify and change things about myself I did not like the people around me were impacted in a very good way.

You cannot change anyone but yourself.  When you let go of trying to get other people to change you can spend that same energy on identifying changes you want to make to you.

Make a list of all that is going right in your world.  Then make a list of all that is not going right.  Concentrate on changing one thing about yourself.  Maybe that is to stop drinking sodas.  Or stop smoking, reacting to rude people, or trying to change others.  Remain dedicated to changing that one thing.  When you have created a new habit by changing one thing about yourself move on to the next items on your list.  Once you change one thing about you the excitement will grow about making further positive changes.

Focus completely on you and what you can change about yourself.  Not with the expectation other people will change as a result of the changes you make to yourself. Just concentrate on how you can make yourself a better person.

When you meet resistance from those people in your world who do not want you to change, stay strong knowing that all positive changes result in positive coming back to you.  No, at first people may fall away.  Those closest too you may not like the new you.  They may scream and yell and protest.  Remember you are not changing for anyone other than yourself.  Remember you are choosing to love and respect yourself enough to take the actions necessary to create the life you truly want.

I guarantee when you care enough about yourself to make positive changes to yourself then new people will come into your life who will support your growth.  You changing yourself for the better will change your world for the better too.

Victim or Victor, Our Choice

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I took my car to be repaired by a large and still popular chain of stores that will remain nameless because they have indeed changed their policies for the better.  But, back then this auto repair department paid commission to their mechanics on parts sold and work done. So I’d walk in for an oil change and all of a sudden the basketball rolling around in my truck became a reason for a complete brake job with new rotors.

The truly sad part about this scam is the fact I’d just had new brakes installed and the rotors turned less than a month before.  This mega-chain store auto department did not call to get my permission to do the work.  They just charged me for it and attempted to get away with it. If they had inspected the brakes they would have seen the brand new work.

I was certainly not the only person (women most likely back then) to get suckered into the retail giant’s really bad policy of reinforcing dishonest behavior among unscrupulous mechanics and store employees.  Bad people think nothing of doing bad things.  Good people often fall prey and are victimized.  But from my response to the manager, it was clear I was not going to be a victim.

I presented receipts for the recent repairs and demanded a refund with a threat of reporting them, which I did too. Enough of us did report the problem that a class action suit ended the commission policy among all auto repair facilities I have visited since.

We cannot always prevent being taken advantage of by people who think they can get away with it. Each of us has to set and uphold a personal standard of behavior.  Then we have to be our own gatekeeper to demand the highest level of behavior from ourselves.  But, not all of us sets a standard of positive and honest behavior.

Not everyone cares about keeping their word, or communicating clearly, or assuming responsibility for projecting their stuff onto other people. Not everyone appreciates negative behavior always returns in the form of negative consequences.  Payback is hell for those who seek to use, abuse and victimize others or who assume no responsibility for their actions. But I am happy to report those folks who attempt to use us, abuse us, or victimize us do not have to get a second or third chance. We may get fooled once and forgive.  And, we don’t have to fall for it a second or third time.

It’s always in our best interest to continue to look for the best in people. But when someone shows us who they really are through the behavior they put out that negatively impacts us or others, we do not allow their actions to cause us to suffer or for us to feel targeted, duped or a casualty. Feeling like people are using you is a sure sign you need to set some healthy and strong boundaries.

I have forgiven many people for treating me badly once.  Today I still forgive but I do not allow them the opportunity to victimize me again. Choosing to be a victim, to feel powerless, used, and abused, never felt good or did anything to boost my self-esteem.  Refusing to feel like a victim, even when I am victimized, allows me to move on with a solid determination to stay aligned with the behavior standards I set for myself.  One of the behaviors is not allowing other people power over me by me feeling like a victim.

The ‘aha’ that you are absolutely capable of choosing to be the victor over situations is a pure rush of enthusiastic adrenalin packed self-love.  It is intensely powerful to accept that although we want to share our lives with people, we DON’T need to keep people around who use, abuse, or mistreat us.  We don’t have to support anyone or any business who does not listen to us, or who refuses to acknowledge our input, or who arrogantly looks down on us, or attempts to use us.  We choose to give our loyalty to and invest our confidence in people who consistently treat us with respect, kindness, honesty, and professionalism.

You may be victimized in life but you do not have to be a victim. It is a powerful feeling to accept being a victim is not a pro-active position. I guarantee you from experience nothing feels better or more powerful than taking charge of yourself to create the life you truly want to have.  Nothing feels more powerful than coming to your own rescue. Nothing feels more satisfying than choosing to be the victor over your life circumstances to set boundaries to not be victimized a second time.

Five Years and Counting

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In our lives there are days when time just stops.  Each moment is captured on some special film within our heart so that we never, ever forget. October 26, 2012, is one of those days for me.

I had to make the very hard decision to say goodbye to one of the best friends I’ve had the honor of knowing.  My little dog, Madison, a Corgi/Sheltie rescue, was too sick to heal. She’d been in doggie intensive care for three days, suffered a seizure, and had no chance of recovery.

The last thing I said to Madison was, “Send me another little one.” While I was prepared to wait, apparently she wasn’t. Almost immediately I felt the urge to look. So I went to Pet Finders and began scrolling through the sweet faces in need of a home.

I spotted one, but it had already been adopted. Then another, but it had been adopted too. Then on page six, a sweet little foxed-faced beauty jumped off the page and into my heart.

Following the link, I landed on the Sam Simon Foundation Web site. There was a video and more photos of a little dog that looked almost exactly like our Madison. Immediately I called, and with tears running down my cheek I struggled to convey to the nice woman on the telephone that we wanted to come see Ruby Red immediately. I begged her, “Please don’t let her be adopted by anyone else.”

On November 1st, Barbara and I drove an hour to meet Lori Ramey and Ruby Red, a Corgi/Pomeranian mix. It was love at first sight. On November 2nd, Ruby was at home on our living room sofa.

The interesting part of this story is that Lori thought she had posted Ruby on Pet Finders back in August.  She could not figure out why no one had called about her sooner. Later she discovered that Ruby’s ad never showed up. She only learned of the error around the time Madison died.

The strange power that often works in mysterious ways on our behalf had done its magic to ensure I was the person to see the ad for our new angel companion. Each day sweet Ruby, a bright and shiny gem saved especially for us, creates countless precious memories that are forever engraved upon our heart.  Sweet Madison is smiling from across the rainbow bridge.