In our lives there are days when time just stops. Each moment is captured on some special film within our heart so that we never, ever forget. October 26, 2012, is one of those days for me.
I had to make the very hard decision to say goodbye to one of the best friends I’ve had the honor of knowing. My little dog, Madison, a Corgi/Sheltie rescue, was too sick to heal. She’d been in doggie intensive care for three days, suffered a seizure, and had no chance of recovery.
The last thing I said to Madison was, “Send me another little one.” While I was prepared to wait, apparently she wasn’t. Almost immediately I felt the urge to look. So I went to Pet Finders and began scrolling through the sweet faces in need of a home.
I spotted one, but it had already been adopted. Then another, but it had been adopted too. Then on page six, a sweet little foxed-faced beauty jumped off the page and into my heart.
Following the link, I landed on the Sam Simon Foundation Web site. There was a video and more photos of a little dog that looked almost exactly like our Madison. Immediately I called, and with tears running down my cheek I struggled to convey to the nice woman on the telephone that we wanted to come see Ruby Red immediately. I begged her, “Please don’t let her be adopted by anyone else.”
On November 1st, Barbara and I drove an hour to meet Lori Ramey and Ruby Red, a Corgi/Pomeranian mix. It was love at first sight. On November 2nd, Ruby was at home on our living room sofa.
The interesting part of this story is that Lori thought she had posted Ruby on Pet Finders back in August. She could not figure out why no one had called about her sooner. Later she discovered that Ruby’s ad never showed up. She only learned of the error around the time Madison died.
The strange power that often works in mysterious ways on our behalf had done its magic to ensure I was the person to see the ad for our new angel companion. Each day sweet Ruby, a bright and shiny gem saved especially for us, creates countless precious memories that are forever engraved upon our heart. Sweet Madison is smiling from across the rainbow bridge.
Have you noticed a life filled with drama is just not that entertaining?
We’ll it just isn’t. Yes, life is going to suck at times. Life is going to provide lots of drama. There is much negative going on in the world. But when we only focus on the negative, the drama-rama of life, we find ourselves in the middle of a bleak existence where we feel powerless, depressed, and victimized. And we wonder why. Because of what we’re letting in to influence us.
There is a saying, “We are what we eat.” What we feed our body can nurture us. Or, eating without awareness can set us up for illness, excess weight gain, and stress. The same is true for what we feed our mind and heart.
Someone I know became addicted to television court dramas—so much so she experienced frequent panic attacks and no longer found value in her daily life. Her relationships suffered, and she gained a tremendous amount of weight from eating while glued to the endless spectacle as it unfolded daily over the television.
We have to keep in the forefront of our consciousness what we concentrate on, we create. What we allow in does influence our mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Just like Earth is constantly being hit by cosmic radiation you and I are constantly being hit, too by endless advertisements, news programs, commentary, billboards, radio shows, pessimistic people, and websites designed to capture our attention and influence us. Much of our exposure is negative or opinionated, condones reckless behavior, or promotes the pursuit of meaningless goals.
Subtly and overtly, we are struck with untrue messages, such as:
Sex is love. No sex is not love. There is no love in the porn industry. Greed, abuse, denigration of women and so much more negative behavior all of which is never love. That does not stop advertisers from bombarding us with the notion that sex is love.
Or hitting us over and over with the huge lie that people who regularly eat fast food look exactly like the models and actors starring in the commercials. They are skinny pictures of perfect health and happiness. They are happy because they got a nice paycheck for shooting the commercial because it is absolutely not true they eat fast food. Living in Los Angeles, California and being exposed to the inner working of the entertainment industry (yes it is an industry) I can absolutely guarantee you that none of the paid actors eat fast food. They share a lettuce leaf and a carrot while drinking a gallon water in between working out at the gym, running, stretching, Botox, incessant weight lifting, and waiting tables at organic, vegan, gluten free, sugar free, starch free restaurants.
We are constantly being impacted by steady streams of negative news and opinionated commentary. With the current news trend of having commentators reduce complex global issues to cynical, dualistic arguments, it is easy to develop an attitude that’s apathetic and fearful of a gloomy world. There is a difference between responsibly staying informed and allowing ourselves to be swallowed up by negativity.
We may view the onslaught of drama and negativity with the cavalier attitude, “I can just tune it out,” or “I am not influenced by it,” or “It’s just a movie or television show.” Yet, scientific research points to how messages and experiences actually change our brain, both positively and negatively.
In The Brain That Changes Itself, Canadian psychiatrist Dr. Doidge advises we carefully select what we listen to and the experiences in which we participate because our brains are vulnerable to outside influences.
We become addicted to porn because repeated exposer rewires our brain. We become addicted to violence because repeated exposure rewires our brain. We become addicted to negativity because repeated exposure rewires our brain. Negative in and negative is going to come out. Our focus cannot be on the negative, drama in life while expecting to create a life of joy, fulfillment and peace.
To create the positive life we want does not mean turning our back on what is happening in the world. Absolutely we must stay informed and plugged in. We need to remain empathetic to the trials and challenges of our fellow human beings. But remaining aware of and immersing ourselves in a sea of constant negativity are two very different things.
It is our heart-responsibility to pay attention to what we expose ourselves to. We have to stay aware of what we’re letting in so we do not let ourselves be influenced by negative, unrealistic, and untrue ideas of what we should be, what our lives should look like, and what should make us happy.
We can start by questioning how the messages we are exposed to impact our worldview. Pay close attention to what is emotionally intrusive and what makes you physically uncomfortable. Notice your stress level when you are exposed to negative editorial commentary or are listening to loud, violent, or denigrating music, television, or video games.
Yes life can be dramatic at times. And life is also filled with comedy, adventure, and fantastic action. We are surrounded by so much good. To stay plugged into the positive, into the great and wonderful things going on in the world pay very close attention to what you allow into your mind and heart as entertainment. Search out programming that inspires your intellect and supports the positive values you desire to see in yourself, your children, and our society. Send television and movie decision-makers incentives to develop positive, inspirational, and intelligent programming by turning off anything that insults your intellect or offends your values.
Seek impeccable reporting from news organizations you consult. Research the facts regarding current issues, rather than accepting editorial opinion and hearsay as truth. The time has come to use our brain. And, no matter what you do DON’T engage with Trolls. Talk about drowning in negativity.
Remember a little bit of drama comes with being alive but a life filled with drama will never be that entertaining.
This is my little dog and friend, Ruby. She is the eleventh rescue dog I’ve had so far in life. She is sweet and loves me unconditionally. I am so lucky Ruby and the other ten rescue dogs came into my life. They taught me so many things.
Like what it really feels like to love unconditionally and to be loved the same way. They taught me patience, respect, forgiveness, persistence and the depth of our connectedness to all life. They also taught me animals are not fashion statements. They are not meant to fight for our amusement or financial gain. They are not meant to be breed and abused in tiny cages. They are not objects. They are feeling beings.
They get hungry, tired and lonely. They get cold, hot, thirsty and scared. They experience post-traumatic stress. They feel pain and hurt. They are not meant to stay home alone all day. They are not meant to live in chains. They need to be around their people and other life. They reason and think and make decisions.
Of course they don’t reason exactly like us humans but they are smart and can learn. Like us, animals learn and respond best when treated with kindness, when offered praise and when the relationships we have with them are based on patience, trust and respect.
Animals like Ruby know the true heart of people. In order to be deserving of their love, respect and trust we must treat them with love, patience, compassion and respect. We do not take our anger out on them. We do not expect them to be perfect or to reason like a human being. We do not use them or abuse them. We do not neglect their physical and emotional needs. We do not puppy-mill them. We do not experiment on them.
Mahatma Gandhi said, “The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.” The kind of relationship we have with animals tells people the extent of our greatness too. We must never forget we human beings are animals too and we must be the kind of animal that respect, cares for and nurtures all life. Or else we’re taking a step back on our evolutionary journey which will in no way ensure our future.
I spend much time alone and love each minute of me-time. Periods of solitude are healthy. I engage with myself, support myself, have established intimacy with myself which means I know me inside and out and am comfortable with who I am. It’s in my alone time when I am most creative. Today I am absolutely okay being alone. But there was a time in life I spent most of my time alone and I hated it. And, there were good reasons why I felt lonely even when I was surrounded by other people.
I felt lonely because I told myself I was lonely. I know it sounds funny but our thoughts create our behavior. I was completely focused on the huge chasm between my desire for hanging out with people and the reality of my social interaction level. That means I wanted lots of friends and to be popular but I wasn’t. What I focused on – my being lonely – I created.
Even though I wanted to be around other people I remember panic set in each time I had to go to a party or be in a social setting. I felt lonely because I did not initiate conversation. I was uncomfortable talking to others and tended to retreat into a corner to be alone.
The lack of self-confidence to initiate conversation and personal interaction caused me to go inside my head. My mind made up all sorts of untrue things such as people were judging me. I felt like an outsider, like I just did not fit in. I did not feel anyone understood me. I felt separate from other people and disconnected from life. One day I just could not live this way any longer. That is when I learned to stop being lonely I had to be okay being alone.
To become okay being alone meant I had to go inward to heal the causes of my shyness and feelings of unworthiness and shame. I healed my loneliness by taking action in two specific ways. First, I did my own kind of therapy. I was lonely because I told myself I was lonely. I’d done so for years without once questioning why I was telling myself I was lonely. So I started unraveling my muddled mind by making a list of everything I was fearful of with regards to being alone, to having friends, a life partner, public speaking, conversations with strangers. The goal was to identify what thoughts were driving my loneliness such as “You’ll never fit in or no one wants to talk with you.”
Who says? Where did those thoughts come from? Finding the source of why I did not feel worthy of friends and being the belle of the ball was less important to me than identifying the thoughts I’d been playing in my mind for so long. You’re not pretty. You don’t have anything important to say. No one is interested in you. People are judging you. You’re an outsider and just don’t fit in. You’ll never be liked. WOW what horrible things to think about myself. And most importantly they were NEVER true.
Somewhere in my early life these kinds of thoughts began taking over. Maybe people said them to me. Or maybe I had created all of them in my mind. Over time the same negative self-loathing tapes caused my horrible lack of self-confidence and feelings of unworthiness, which resulted in isolating myself causing my feelings of loneliness.
Regardless where the negative, limiting “You’re not good enough and will never fit in” thoughts came from, the real healing came in realizing all of the thoughts that drove my feelings of inadequacy – the reasons for my social isolation and feeling lonely – were not true. I realized I felt lonely because I was telling myself I was lonely. I was believing my thoughts rather than to confront them and change them.
The second step I took was getting up and doing things for myself to make me feel good about me. Isolation only fed the negative thoughts of being lonely. So I began doing positive things to build myself up. I began exercising, joined a gym, worked on my body and eating healthy, took long walks alone in nature, and spent lots of time with my pets. When I felt more confident I began seeking out people to join in activities I liked. I joined a bowling team. I began volunteering for an AIDS organization. I signed-up to be a stage manager for a local theater/music group.
While being with other people helped me develop my communication skills and feelings of making a difference, the change for me that came from being among other people was feeling more connected to who I am. By putting myself out there I was intentionally connecting to my heart, the inner workings of Regina. By connecting to who I am bu appreciating my own company I finally ended the negative mind chatter of “You’re not good enough” and “You’re so lonely.” By mastering my negative “You’re lonely” thoughts it opened the door for me to learn how to see myself as I really was, not who I had been telling myself for so many years that I was.
Today I can honestly say I have not felt lonely in many years. I don’t feel lonely because I am very okay being alone with myself. I now understand me. I know what I value and work hard each day to stay true to being an honest, kind, compassionate and happy person. I seek my own counsel as my own best friend. I like myself because I like my behavior.
It took work to get me to the point where I don’t feel lonely. I had to accept my warts and all to become my own biggest fan. I had to work hard to change things about myself I did not like. I had to care enough about me that I stayed true to myself rather than caring about pleasing others. I now define success as begin a person of good character. That is why I can say from experience, you will stop being lonely when you see yourself as the best friend you’ll ever have.
It is my experience, and maybe yours too, showing emotion is often associated with people who are weak. We’re been taught to hide our emotions, to be afraid or ashamed of them. Seriously how healthy does that sound?
What a twisted fantasy it is that stuffing our emotions will cause them to somehow magically disappear and we’ll go on our merry way filled with happiness, inner peace and love. I don’t know who started the “it’s good to stuff your emotions” idea but it’s not right. We are specifically designed to feel our way through life. You know what happens when we stuff the natural emotions we’re born with? Nothing good at all.
For many years I never saw my father express healthy emotion. He grew up in a society where real men didn’t express emotion – ever. I resented him for it. No, let’s be honest, I hated him for it.
Unable or unwilling to accept the vulnerability of expressing healthy emotion made him an angry tyrant. He raged, snorted, and slammed around like a bull in a delicate china shop of two little girls and a scared wife.
“You’re too emotional,” he coldly said as tears streamed down my face at the cruel and horrific scenes of baby harp seals being beaten to death and the close up, slow motion images of prairie dogs being blown to smithereens in the documentaries my father watched on television in the 1960s.
Once my father dragged me out of the shower because my mother had breakfast on the table and he thought I was taking too long. Later that day picking me up from school where I spent the entire day crying, “You’re too emotional” again felt like daggers into my heart. My father stormed through life not giving a damn about the emotions of other living things.
Then one beautiful crisp autumn day all that changed – for good. My father was hunting and knew he had fatally wounded a deer but could not find it. Regardless of what an ass he was to me, my sister, our mother, harp seals, and prairie dogs, he was a responsible hunter always using what he took from the natural world. It went against his values to just leave the deer so he searched for hours and hours without success. My father was so exhausted and upset he sat down on a log, buried his head in his hands and sobbed. I believe for the first time ever, or at least in many, many years.
We never know what life-event holds the potential to shake us to the core of our being. The frustration and helplessness of killing that poor deer and not being able to find it cracked my father’s heart wide open. Years of stuffed emotion came pouring out and through the deer’s death my father was reborn.
From that day forward my dad has been a new man – one who does not hold back tears of sadness, joy or pain. He has a new-found respect and kindness for the natural world and all that call it home. My father is no longer concerned with what “real men” are supposed to do. He knows it takes Super-Men to accept that being gentle enough to express healthy emotion is one of the strongest things they do.
There may be people in your life who seem to manage normally in the day but then they all of a sudden explode. Maybe you are that person that was exactly my dad. Through his example he taught me to do the same thing – stuff your emotions and then explode. All we are doing by stuffing is repressing our emotions but emotions can’t be repressed. Emotions ALWAYS leak out, and sometime gush out onto the innocent in our lives.
You are alive to feel. You create a healthy life by learning how to positively deal with your emotions. Don’t stuff them, thinking you’ll deal with them later. Yes, there are times when it is not appropriate to express anger at your spouse while you are in front of your children. But don’t ignore the anger by stuffing it. When it is the right time, express why you are angry but stay calm and communicate clearly.
We cannot continue to perpetuate the stupid idea expressing healthy emotion is not socially acceptable. Look at the world we are creating as a result or being unfeeling. Let’s teach our children healthy ways to express their feelings. That means you and I must know what we’re feeling and why too. Are you confused, happy, uneasy, positive, fearful, or negative? Are you tired, excited, motivated, tearful, or shocked? Are you devastated, hopeful, irritated, eager, or compassionate?
Whatever you feel, validate those emotions. And support those you love in expressing their emotions in healthy ways too. True healing comes from feeling what you’re feeling.
We’ve all heard happiness comes from within. Someone else cannot make us happy. We must create our own happiness. That we are not responsible for another person’s behavior, only for how we behave in response.
I agree. Yes, I am in charge of choosing to be happy, for seeing my glass as full rather than empty, for concentrating on the light at the end of the tunnel, for not depending on others for my overall peace and joy, and for opting NOT to ego-box with people who behave rudely.
Yet, the longer I live, the more I observe the daily interactions we have, I am convinced there is another side to the personal happiness coin that needs a lot more press. The flip side is you are not the only one responsible for your happiness. I play a role too, because my behavior creates a wake of energy sent outward just like a rock creates ripples on a still body of water.
When I was young, I often went out on the boat with my dad. He liked to fish and I enjoyed being with him. I adored the chill of the early morning air and the sunlight dancing on the surface. I was in awe of my dad’s skill as he took aim, casting the lure between the branches of a long-dead tree, now partly submerged in the water near shore.
To reach the magical spot I enjoyed, we first had to cross a big lake. My father made certain my life jacket was on tight. Then he pushed the boat away from the dock. Once we were safely clear, he put the motor in high gear and we were off, speeding toward our destination.
I didn’t enjoy facing into the strong wind created by the high speed. Holding on tight I looked backward, observing the effect the boat had on the water as we raced over the calm surface. Spray shot up over the bow, wetting us. Buoys jerked up and down as we sped by. A flock of ducks quickly took flight, their tranquil morning disturbed by our waves. When we were closer to land, our boat’s wake crashed hard against the shore.
After what seemed an eternity, we arrived. My dad slowed the boat down and turned the noisy, smelly, water-churning engine off. He moved up front to an electric trolling motor that silently propelled us the rest of the way, leaving only a small ripple as evidence of our passing.
As we moved slowly, without upsetting the wildlife, I delighted when dragonflies landed on the boat. Fish swam close by, undisturbed by our presence. Once, a bird came and sat for a brief moment on the steering wheel.
When it came time to head back, I became disappointed. Too soon we were off again, zooming across the lake, our wake disturbing the water and everything on it as we went by.
Many years later, during an especially hard period, it dawned on me: I am like a boat. I too, leave a wake as I travel through life. Today I choose to move at a slower, more purposeful pace, although I have not always selected the right speed and direction – in the form of responsible behavior – that represented me well to myself and the world.
When I wrote a check that bounced, embarrassment caused me to take my frustration out on the people at the mean old bank. When I had loud parties, I ignored the impact on my neighbors. The plastic cup, or bag, or take-out container I carelessly threw in the gutter became part of a swirling mass of trash in the Pacific Ocean. As a smoker I rarely considered the negative impact my cigarettes had on others or my pets. I did not think about who was responsible for cleaning up the cigarette butts I threw on a public street.
The same was true about leaving my shopping cart behind a car, or in the middle of the parking lot with the rationalization, “someone is paid to put it away.” When I was financially irresponsible, it was not responsible to expect family, friends, the government, or strangers to bail me out.
There was a time when I behaved as a fast boat, churning up waves of drama and chaos that crashed hard over me and others. Looking back, I realize my careless behavior was the result of not thinking about anyone but myself. Finally it dawned on me I could not possibly be the only person who is impacted by the results of MY behavior. That open-hearted aha moment was what it took for me to stop seeing myself as separate and alone and to start seeing myself as one part of our Earth family.
Asking “How will it feel?” is the key which opened the door to my heart. Taking time to put myself in another person’s shoes before I act allows me to be aware of how uncomfortable, frustrated, or lonely it feels to be on the receiving end of rude and thoughtless behavior. It does not feel good to be jerked up and down like a buoy. Being sprayed with or battered by the wake of another person’s unconscious behavior is not enjoyable.
Yes, your overall contentment with life is absolutely your responsibility. And, the other half of that truth is that no matter how much you take responsibility for creating your own happiness – Congratulations by the way! – what I do DOES impact your happiness factor.
You are not going to be happy no matter how much deep breathing you do if I have a cell phone conversation during the middle of your child’s play, a movie, or at a concert. You can focus all your energy on remaining peaceful but happiness will elude you when I ignore traffic signs and make an illegal U-turn causing a traffic jam. Your calm and balance will go out the window when I behave thoughtlessly and cause a ripple effect that washes negatively over you.
The flip-sided truth to your happiness factor is that although I may live in a free country, I am not entitled to behave as I please! I am not free to do what I want without regard to the consequences of my actions. Action without accountability is not free. There are always consequences!
Our satisfaction and fulfillment in life comes from actively creating and nurturing good relationships with everyone, not just our family and friends. I learned good relationships are not possible if I speed through life carelessly behaving as if I have a special pass to do whatever I want. Today I realize caring about the effect my actions cause is what makes me feel fantastic about me. I now accept there is nothing naïve, submissive, or weak about choosing to stop rushing through life without paying attention to my actions. Real courage is slowing down to keep my heart open to care about you too. That is the responsibility I have for your happiness. Caring about the wake your behavior leaves is the responsibility you have for the happiness of others too.
Do you believe people starring in fast-food commercials actually eat fast food on a regular basis? Do you think your 50 year old wrinkles will go away and you’ll look like the 18 year old in the magazine face-cream commercial? Do you believe you’ll finally be happy when you get the big car, fancy house, cool wardrobe, and hot partner? While there is supposed to be truth in advertising guess what, advertisers lie.
Sure they do with photo shop, by hiring skinny actors who NEVER eat fast food, through deception, altered imagery, and by leading us to believe things are sexy. How stupid do they think we are? Pretty stupid because we’re buying their lies hook, line and sinker.
The woman who is wearing the leather mini-skirt does not come with the car you purchase. Dying your grey hair will not have young hot chicks knocking down your door. One fast-food meal packs more calories, fat, sodium, sugar, and preservatives than those commercial actors eat in a month. Those 18 year old cosmetic model photos have been doctored to the point their facial features are perfect. Not to mention the 100,000 dollar lighting system and high-paid photographers. But hey we buy the lies, never once questioning how come our butt can’t fit into our pants since we started the fast-food routine?
How come our 50 year old wrinkles don’t magically disappear? How come all those things we surround ourselves with don’t make us jump for joy 24-hours a day. People who sell us stuff will do anything to sell us stuff. We have to be smarter and ask ourselves if it’s too good to be true then it is. Happiness, personal satisfaction and fulfillment in life come from what we put into our hearts – pleasant memories, being helpful and kind, self-respect, family, friends, what we do to give back – not how we look, how much money we make or what size we wear.
The time has come to be honest with ourselves about the dishonesty of the consumeristic society in which we are living. We must be the ones who change this by educating ourselves so we don’t fall for the next tonic salesman who pulls into town. Think for yourself because when it comes to selling, advertisers, newscasters, and corrupt politicians all have swamp land they are eager to unload. We must be smarter than to think miracles come in the form of sexy, or fast, big and shiny things or that we can trust habitual liars to grow a conscious and tell the truth. The time has come to stop selling ourselves so short.
What does being a success mean to you? Have you thought about it? I mean really considered what success means to you? For many years I just went along with the idea of success other people imposed on me.
I went to junior college and got an associates degree. Then on to a university for my bachelor’s degree. Then I continued my education and got a master’s degree. Today I can honestly say I am grateful for my formal education. On this side I know how pursuing a formal education fueled my desire to stay a well-informed person. But a formal education alone did not ever make me feel like a success.
I had great jobs and with some of the jobs came a big corner office. But my life was so busy with work that my relationships suffered. I was too busy with work with no time to play or spend quality time with my partner, friends and pets.
I got the big house, fancy car and stylish wardrobe. Even though I had a good job that paid well I spent well beyond my means. What I wore, what I drove, where I lived became more important than being financially responsible. I was trying to paint a picture of what I thought, what I’d been told success is.
I grew up with family, the television, advertisers telling me what it meant to be successful. So I blindly followed the crowd. I attempted to keep up with an unrealistic standard of what it means to be successful as defined by other people.
Honestly, would you consider someone a success who is $35,000 in credit card debt? Someone who could not afford regular health check-up, dentist examinations, or visits to the veterinary for her pets. Would you think I was successful when I could not afford to take a vacation? Someone who lay awake at night in a panic from fear of how I was going to pay off all the debt?
Today I realize I was not a success. For many years I had been disillusioned to believe success was surrounding myself with things. So I spent irresponsibly. I did not stop to consider if things really brought me happiness. I can tell you I was extremely unhappy being so much in debt to the point I lived in fear and constant stress.
Today I am debt free. I paid all of the $35,000 back. It was important for me to do so because the act of assuming responsibility taught me what it really means to be successful.
We live in a consumerist world that deems us successful when we attain wealth, honors, notoriety, a big house, big car, excellent education and other things that are supposed to define us. If we wear a certain size, drive a certain car, live in a certain neighborhood, etc. But things are not who we really are.
Things do not feel. Things do not provide genuine validation of who we are. Things do not establish us as people who are truly admired. Things are sold to us by people who are in the business of selling things. Advertisers will deem what is successful based on the items they sell.
The same is true of fashion and what size we are to be. Again those who are making and selling a product or look deem what it means to be successful according to their standards. But what if we do not fit the mold or model of their standard? Does that mean we are a failure?
Success is a term that really has no meaning until we take the time to determine what it means to us. Regardless what anyone else thinks of success, take time to define success for yourself. Don’t depend on advertisers, family, friends, co-workers, etc. to tall you what it means for you to be a success. Define it for yourself.
Sit down and make a list of each area in your life in which you want to feel successful. What are your financial goals? What amount of retirement/savings do you want to achieve over your lifetime? How much will you need in order to have the quality of life you desire? How much will you need to donate to the causes you support? What about term life insurance to ensure your families financial stability should something happen to you unexpectedly? What about long-term care should you become disabled or suffer an extended illness? Do you have a medical directive and have you assigned power of attorney to someone you trust to handle your affairs? Do you have a will?
What are your relationship goals? Do you desire a partner to grow with spiritually? Do you want someone who enjoys the same activities you do? Do you want a partner to complement you, to support you, to respect you? What are the values – kindness, responsibility, loyalty, open and honest communication, etc. that you want in someone? Are these already a part of who you are today? Do you need to work on your issues so you do not bring them into a relationship?
What are your educational/career goals? Where would you like to be in a year, 5 years, and 10 years?
What are your health/physical goals? Are you overweight? Do you smoke? What changes do you know you need to make to ensure you have a healthy body and good quality of life?
What are your parenting goals? Or have you decided to not become a parent? Would you prefer to adopt a child?
Creating a successful life gets easier when you take time to determine what success means to you. Refuse to let anyone tell you that you are only a success when you have achieved their idea of success? You will not be fulfilled working for the goals of someone else. You will find fulfillment and self-respect when you set your own standard of success and you work to achieve the goals for yourself.
I was forty-eight years old before I found my right partner. It happened only after I stopped focusing on finding someone and started concentrating completely on being someone worth finding.
I am so glad to have learned how important it is for you and me to be the moral, ethical, and spiritual person we want to attract. By knowing ourselves intimately and by being honest with ourselves about our strengths and weaknesses, we know what we are comfortable with in another person.
This took me many years to figure out. I grew up on fairy tales which lead me to believe I’d magically meet the perfect person of my dreams and we’d ride off into the sunset and have the perfect life. What a load of crap.
It was after the hard breakup of my sixth in a series of not good relationships when I started to really wonder what was wrong with me. Yes, at first I was focused on blaming others. I came from a victim, why me perspective. But after some soul searching I realized I was the common denominator.
Those six people were not bad folks. Well one was a thief, liar, and alcoholic. But the other five were not horrible people who abused me and used me.
The truth is I did not know myself so how in the world could I share the real me with other people. If I was not being who I really was, if I was not honest with myself about myself, then how could I know what to look for in a partner? Until that wake-up call, I’d never considered the values, spiritual beliefs, and behaviors that were important to me in relationships. And, I did not realize the importance of needing to actually live these values for myself before I could find someone else with them, too.
To have any chance of creating the fulfilling, positive relationship I wanted, I first had to determine who I was, what I wanted in a partner, and how I needed to behave in a relationship.
Who am I? Taking time to seriously think about all I was, the positive and negative, allowed me to identify areas that needed change. I was kind, loyal, generous, organized, determined, and hard-working, and I loved animals and the natural world. Then I focused on honestly listing negative beliefs or behaviors that limited me.
Being insecure, closed, cautious, and emotionally unavailable permeated my relationships. My low self-esteem disconnected me from my feelings and did not allow me to communicate clearly. Codependent, I sought validation from the outside world. Unresolved issues of abandonment and unworthiness made me fear being alone. Setting healthy boundaries out of love and respect for myself was not part of my skill set.
I rushed from relationship to relationship, yet, once in, I became distant, not wanting to be hurt or used. While projecting my pain, negative thoughts, anger, and suspicions onto others, I also looked to other people to rescue me from a confusing and painful past.
The negative list was revealing, but instead of feeling saddened by the process of candidly identifying my limiting beliefs and behaviors, I felt empowered. Having the courage to look at myself honestly generated a crucial to-do list.
After completing a personal inventory, I made a list of what I wanted in a relationship. Then I had to make certain the values and beliefs I identified were a genuine part of me. Why? Because if I was not patient I could not identify someone who was also patient. If I was not kind I would accept someone who was cruel. If I was dishonest I would, and did, date a liar and thief. Each of these went against my core values. But to be the real me I had to start living those values, not just telling myself I was a patient, kind and honest person.
I had to be what I wanted in another person. I wanted clear, open, and honest communication, so I focused on learning to be a good communicator. Since I desired someone who had either worked through or was actively addressing their limiting personal issues, I became devoted to healing my emotional wounds.
Desiring trust, forgiveness, and support, I became trustworthy, forgiving, and supportive. Wanting a responsible and dependable partner, I became accountable and reliable. I concentrated on growing my individuality and spirituality so I would be in the position to encourage and support the same in someone else. I wanted a respectful relationship, so I agreed to treat myself and other people with reverence.
Desiring kindness, honesty, and openness, I focused on being caring, truthful, and friendly. I wanted calm and became dedicated to maintaining a peaceful way of life. Enjoying play, I wanted someone who also consciously made time for fun. Because I desired encouragement, I learned to support others. Desiring intimacy, I became emotionally available, to myself and to other people. Longing to share my dreams, concerns, and wants, I readily became a person who holds the aspirations, apprehension, and desires of others safely within my heart.
When I took time to identify what makes up a good partnership, I also realized the important role compatibility plays in finding a suitable companion. Knowing I wanted to be in a monogamous relationship allowed me to exclude those who practice infidelity. My love of animals caused me to question the reality of having a good relationship with someone who disliked my furry friends. Valuing promptness and neatness, I stopped myself from getting involved with someone who was continuously late or who did not value personal hygiene and tidiness. Placing great importance on spirituality, I desired someone who would support, encourage, and be patient with my heart-growth.
One of our principal reasons for being alive is to learn to live with principles. Through the personal planning process, I realized to have the best life we need to bring the best of ourselves to life. To be our best, it is necessary to assess our strengths and weaknesses.
Take time to determine which values (such as honesty, loyalty, compassion, promptness, respect, cooperation, patience, think of as many as you can) are currently among your advantages, or, if absent, your disadvantages. This is an opportunity to be completely honest and open with yourself.
After determining your values, strengths, and limitations, spend time determining your objectives in a relationship. What is important to you in terms of finances, monogamy, pets, having children and how to raise them, spirituality, savings, accumulation of things vs. memories, etc. The goal is not to make someone over into who you want them to be. The goal is to find someone who shares your values. They put the toilet seat down because they are courteous. They pick up their clothes because they are neat. They share their thoughts and feelings with you because they value the intimacy that comes from clear and honest communication.
Your relationships will not be successful if you try to mold someone into the person you want them to be. Look for someone who already holds the basic values you hold dear. Then you will be able to weather any relationship storm because respect and clear communication is the foundation upon which you have come together to create a better life together than you would have on your own. Who’s out there for you depends on what’s already within you.
Recently I was looking through a fashion magazine. Something I rarely do. I flipped through the pages looking at the thin models with seemingly perfect skin. For a brief moment I thought how wonderful it would be to be young again with a perfect body, skin, hair, nails, teeth and gorgeous looks. Then I woke up and realized what I was doing. What in the world are you thinking, I sort of half-screamed to myself, in side my head of course. Old patterns die hard don’t they?
Do you compare yourself to or compete with others? What a joke it is to even entertain the notion we should be like another person. We were born to be unique. Like a finger print and snowflake you and I were designed to be an individual unlike any other human being on earth. At no time in the past or future will there be another Regina. At no time in the past or future will there be another you. So what in the world are you and I doing when we buy into the lie we should be like other people, should look a certain way, wear a certain size, marry a certain person, make a certain amount of money, and the list goes on.
Looking at those rail thin models in that fashion magazine, comparing myself to them, felt bad. I felt less than some ideal height, weight, and look. I felt unattractive and that lead me to feel unworthy. Comparing myself to anyone always left me feeling negative. Even when I compared by thinking I was better, more attractive, smarter competition left me feeling bad. Maybe I was smarter than another person but that did not make me better. I just had different abilities.
One of the most empowering actions I can take is to refusing to compare myself to or compete with others in the unhealthy ways that result in disappointment and feelings of being less than. Today I work hard to only compare and compete with myself in a healthy way; to be a better person today than I was yesterday. I am focused on supporting others in being their unique selves and to achieve their individual goals, just like I want to be supported in achieving my goals and to be accepted for who I am.
I encourage you to refuse to compete with anyone on looks. You and I are beautiful as we were born to be. We can take care of our looks through rest, diet and exercise. We can take good care of our skin through vitamins, moisturizers, sunscreen, and not eating sugar and processed foods. We are intended to look our best as we were born to be. Compete with ourselves to take good care of ourselves to honor our individual looks.
Refuse to compete with anyone on weight. The goal is to feel good in your body. The goal is to be healthy. You and I are not meant to be the same size. We are meant to respect and honor our bodies through eating healthy, exercising, not using food as an excuse to stuff our emotions or pain or to satisfy boredom. We are to compete with ourselves to find the healthy weight for us, to maintain that weight, and to do whatever it takes to keep our body in optimum condition.
Refuse to complete with anyone on money. Set your financial goals based on what you deem successful. Some of the richest people I know are the poorest as far as values and happiness. Some of the financially poorest people I know are the richest in terms of satisfaction, generosity, and joy. Compete with yourself to be financially responsible by refusing to surround yourself with stuff just because other people have done so.
Refuse to compete with anyone on anything. You are distinctive among all other human beings. That means you have been specifically designed to be yourself.
If there are things about yourself you want to change, you certainly can. First make a list of what you want to change. Second choose one item from the list. Third make the decision to do whatever it takes to accomplish your goal. Fourth don’t give up and REFUSE to compare yourself or compete with anyone – even if you have a friend who is doing the same thing – like losing weight or quitting smoking. You are an individual. Your body, metabolism, addiction level is different than your friends. Don’t go down the she is losing faster, stopping faster, etc. road. Take that same energy and support one another so you both accomplish your goals. But refuse to compete with one another. Compete with yourself and support her.
Healthy competition is good for your soul. Healthy competition is that which you do with yourself. Let the competition begin so you create the magnificent you, that you want to be.