To Grow, Keep Learning

BSomeone once responded to one of my posts on Facebook –  the only education really worth having is that of personal experience. Reading books and going to school was not important to him.

While the personal experience each of us receives from the university of life and school of hard knocks is useful, so is the experience of others shared through books, periodicals, articles, and in educational settings, whether those are formal or casual.

We do ourselves a HUGE disservice by thinking we know all there is to know or  that we will personally experience everything in life necessary for us to make the best decisions that impact us and other people in the most positive ways possible.  To some ignorance may be bliss, but I’ve found it is continuing to learn that expands the boundaries of what we think we know. If we do not persistently seek knowledge we become a prisoner of our own egocentric mind and the thoughts it creates. And, simply because we think something does not mean it is real or true.

At one time the world was thought to be flat, our universe was the only one around, there was no electricity, running water in homes, internet, cell phones, vaccinations against disease, etc. I am grateful our ancestors did not settle for only what they thought in their own minds to be true or depend on just their own personal experience.

Intelligence is not about the degrees we hold but the willingness to admit we do not know everything and to seek knowledge. For me the smartest people are those with an eagerness to learn from their experiences and those of others. I for one enjoy learning from the experience of others which helps me grow so I can live my best life and encourage others to do the same.

Good People Are Everywhere

elegant-by-characterRecently my mother went grocery shopping at the Kroger’s in Marshall, Texas.  After getting home and putting all the groceries away, she went to put something in her purse. She looked everywhere. Her purse was not in the house or the car.  Then panic hit when she realized she’d left it in the basket at the store.

She rushed back to the market and straight to the customer service desk. The nice lady behind the counter immediately retrieved her handbag saying, “Someone found this and turned it in.” My mom went through her entire purse and not one thing was missing.

Mother was so excited to get her purse back but at the same time a bit disappointed that she will never know who the honest and kind person was who turned it in. She told me today the only way she has to say thank you is to pass it on with a random act of caring and kindness.  I look forward to hearing how she chooses to do that.

We Must Stop Cyber Bullying

improve-status-quoI am often asked if I ever get angry. You bet. Recently someone forwarded an email to me that was hate-filled and judgmental. It was one of those things you see passed around the internet with photos of certain groups of people with sickening, ignorant and disparaging comments. It made me want to scream for two main reasons.

First, the person who sent this did so without thinking that by forwarding this type trash she is actually condoning the message and participating in cyber-bullying.  If she stopped to feel what it is like to be the people who were the subject of the photo essay she would be appalled with her behavior. Second, there is absolutely nothing positive that is gained from spreading stereotypical condemnations of anyone.  It’s not innocent or funny or cute. Spreading these type immature and unconscious vilifications actually supports the continuance of ignorance and divisiveness.

Ladies and gentlemen we CANNOT create our best life if we do not think before we act. We must ask ourselves how it will feel to be on the receiving end of our behavior, even if that is forwarding an email. We must have the heart to put ourselves in the position of other people. So what if someone is not like us. Thank goodness we have been, by Divine design, made as individuals unlike anyone else on earth.  What we do share is a heart that is connected to each other so we can feel what we each feel.

It is time you and I stop allowing those within our intimate circles to believe it is okay to send us these type messages.  We must set a boundary, not to change the unconscious and unfeeling, but to change us so we lead with our heart to support our fellow human being’s differences rather than blind prejudice. We must treat others as we want to be treated and be the example of how to create our best life by living aligned with love.

Yes I did set a boundary. Yes I was kind when I clearly and directly asked that she never send me anything like that again. No, I am no longer angry.

 

Our Actions Teach

Character-makes-one-richMy mother taught me to smoke cigarettes.  Of course it was not her intent to do so. But each time she lit up I learned by her example that smoking was okay, even though she told me over and over to “do as she said rather than as she did.”

The problem with “do as I say not as I do,” is that 80-90% of all communication is non-verbal. That means our behavior is vastly more influential in teaching others than our words.

One of the most important things for us to remember is that what to value and how to behave appropriately must be taught. You and I have the responsibility to be a positive example for others of how life works best, especially children, because they learn from watching us. So if we do not intentionally teach them how to behave and what to value they will learn on their own through television, video games, the internet, movies and their peers.  With something as important as values at stake, we do not want to leave their character to chance. One way to be a positive hands-on example is to remember it is our actions that teach.

We All Make Mistakes

forgivenes-flow-freeYou and I make mistakes. If you are like me then we do not intentionally intend to hurt people when we make an error. We are not acting maliciously. It just happens that there are times when our behavior is not perfect. Not a big surprise since we are not perfect. Neither are other people.

I believe the majority of people we encounter in daily life who make mistakes are not trying to intentionally hurt other people. So when someone hits our car, or runs a red light just as we’re about to walk across an intersection, or lets go of their shopping cart and it rolls into our parked car, I do not think the majority of people “intend” to do it.

This is important to remember when we encounter challenging situations in life. We experience less stress and upset when we remember that sometimes we make mistakes. Rather than going to the automatic place of “you should have known better,” we take a deep breath and remember there are times we mess up to.

Action Helps Stop Worry

You are not your problemsFor many years I worried. About my job, relationships, family, the future, of going to hell, other people’s opinions of me. You name it and I worried about it. But worry was like a heavy blanket that smothered the life out of my present. And, not once did anything I worried about come true, or if it did then the outcome was a fraction of the degree that I imagined it would be.

Worry does not control the future. Worry does not prevent life from hurting at times. Worry is a useless activity that sucks the joy out of us.

I taught myself to stop worrying when I started striving to end each day without regret, to not go to bed angry, to control what I can control (me), to prevent what I can prevent, and to have faith in something greater than myself to handle all the rest.

Yes You Can, When You Think You Can

Victor-over-challengesOften I receive emails from people who say, “Regina I just can’t” …do whatever it is they want to do to rid themselves of suffering.  Honestly who says we cannot?  A fearful mind that has a mind of its own. That’s who.  We tell ourselves we can’t and we believe it.

Not once did accepting an excuse (it’s easier said than done, or I just can’t get it together, or I’m trying, or what does it matter anyway, or I can’t …etc.) help me lose weight, stop gossiping, stop smoking, stop cutting myself and others down, stop allowing myself to be mistreated, etc. Excuses did nothing to help me create a happy, responsible, stress-free life. The excuses I made were attempts to justify why I was choosing not to make the changes I knew I needed to. Excuses gave my mind permission to beat me up. Excuses robbed me of my power.

I took my power back to create the life I have when I stopped accepting my own excuses. No, it’s not always easy to follow through and take the necessary action. But it is the only way for me to get from point A, the goal I want to accomplish, to point B, accomplishing the goal.

YES YOU CAN! Step one – stop accepting your own excuses.  Love yourself more than that and make yourself take the actions necessary to reach the goals you set for yourself. There is no one coming to your rescue. YOU must be your own hero!

Question What Makes You Fearful

lost-authenticityWhen I was young I was taught there is a hell where we go after we die if we are bad while alive and a heaven if we are good.  As a little girl and young adult I lived in constant fear. The images of people suffering and burning haunted me when I was asleep and while I was awake. I once threw a gum wrapper out of the car window and was certain I was going to hell. I lied to my mom or took $5 out of my dad’s wallet without permission and was certain I would burn for all eternity. Overall I was a good kid who was convinced I was doomed from the start. It was an absolutely horrible way to live.

One day in my late teens I got fed up with living in fear and said, “Screw it! I am already in hell living in such fear and dread.” That day I realized how much of my religious upbringing was focused on controlling me through fear. But that did not make any sense to me because fear never aligned with the loving, supportive, forgiving God I knew in my heart/soul.

So I began questioning everything I had been taught to believe. Yes, there may be an all-powerful source to which I must answer to when I die, but I have not feared it in years. I decided to live each day striving to be the best person possible. Not from fear of punishment or expectation of reward. But for the simple fact that doing my best each day keeps me from living in hell now and that allows me to experience the peace and love of heaven while I am very much alive.

Tough Love is Still Love

boundaries-strongOne of the most challenging aspects about caring for others is accepting we CANNOT control or change anyone else but ourselves.  Our adult child is being abused in relationship, or faces jail time, or is hooked on drugs, or cannot keep a job, relationship, etc.  Yes, these things are hard to witness. And no, we cannot make their choices or live their life for them.

Each of us has our own journey in life. That means when we reach adulthood and we stumble, we must choose to pick ourselves up. We cannot do that if someone is there to soften our fall or always pick us up. We do not learn, grow and make positive permanent changes if other people try to do our work for us.

It’s not easy to watch those we care for collapse under the weight of their negative choices. Sometimes we witness this over and over again. But we cannot fix someone. Unless that person wants to fix him/herself, our words will fall on deaf ears and a closed heart.

What we can do is set boundaries to bring a higher level of awareness to the relationship we have with those who are hurting themselves and others.  We can focus our energy on staying centered and balanced so when the people we love decide to pick themselves up and change, we are there to support their efforts. That is why it is called “tough love.” Yes, it is hard and yes, setting boundaries against unacceptable behavior is still love.

Yes, You Can, When You Do

SuperheroARecently a woman told me she can’t change her life because “it’s just too hard and much easier said than done.” I really dislike these and other self-limiting “I can’t” phrases.

Regardless what we want to accomplish we MUST support ourselves and that requires us to remove self-limiting language. We stop and ask, “Why would we intentionally sabotage ourselves before we even get started by allowing ourselves to think whatever we want to accomplish is too hard or not actually possible for us?” We don’t!

I asked what actions she had taken. She said, “I haven’t taken any. I’ve only thought about it.” I asked, “Could it be that it only seems too hard or easier said than done because you have not DONE anything yet?”

Together we made a list of small action steps. Today she proudly informed me, “Regina it’s not true that it is too hard or easier said than done. When I actually started doing I realized I could and that put an end to my thinking I couldn’t. Taking action I now know I CAN. Even when I stumble, I CAN still get back up and move forward.”

I love when we realize we are our own powerful superhero agent of self-change.