Drop the Fear

Overcoming-Weaknesses2At one time I lived in fear; of going to hell, of being alone, of dying, of financial ruin, of being out of work. The list of what I was afraid of was so long it seemed insurmountable. Fear was definitely smothering the life out of me.

One day I got so tired of having panic attacks, of always looking over my shoulder, of waiting for the other shoe to drop, I just gave up and stopped running away from my fears. One by one I bravely turned and faced them, carefully dissecting each one, looking for tangible facts, for justifiable reasons why I should hold onto the fear.

In the end I found very few valid reasons for any of my fears.  Yes, I will die one day. The only power I have is to take good care of my body, to keep myself safe the best I can, and to enjoy each day to the fullest. I prevent financial ruin by being fiscally responsible. And, so forth down the line.

Turing to face my fears was the action that released me from their grasp. I became the powerful creator of the best life possible when I stopped allowing fear to dictate my actions.

Attitude is Everything

sucky-attitudeAt one time I walked through life with a chip on my shoulder. I thought being angry and sometimes rude would help keep me from being hurt. One day I woke up to the fact that the aggressive and defensive energy I put out was exactly the energy I got back.  And, when I honestly looked at my behavior I realized that I ended up being hurt much more as a result of that angry and rude chip.

I no longer have the view that other people are out to hurt me, or take what I want, or that they are going to use and abuse me. I believe the difference is that I realize the energy I put out is reflected back to me. While everyone I meet is not courteous and kind the vast majority are.  It seems the saying, ‘birds of a feather flock together,’ is true because today the loving, patient, and accepting energy I put out is returned to me so much more than not.

Looking back I would not have imagined that changing my attitude would make a 180 degree difference in the ease by which I now travel through life. I am so grateful that I no longer focus on what other people need to do. I am so grateful I learned that my best life is created by remaining focused on what I need to do to keep me happy, respectful and peaceful.

What to do When You Can do Nothing

Ripe citrus groveMy heart broke a bit recently when the son of the owner of my apartment building had the man who mows the lawn, badly, cut back the beautiful orange trees and a butterfly bush.  It may seem strange for me to be upset over the trees but the other tenants and I took pride in them. We even paid a professional to trim the trees to keep them beautiful and healthy. We value those beautiful trees.  We care for them, tend them, and nourish them.  The oranges they produce are some of the most delicious we’ve ever eaten.

Since the son of the 97 year old owner who never comes around is on site due to a down stairs neighbor’s death and a vacant apartment, he looked around for things to do.  He was angry with the man who mows the lawn because he does not do anything but mow and blow once a week.  So he wanted him to do something. Aha, I’ll have him trim the trees he thought. The problem is the trees were perfect since they were just neatly trimmed less than three months before.

We’ve been telling the landlord for years the man who mows the lawn is horrible but there is some sort of blind loyalty to him. Now the orange trees, the pride of the entire block, have been hacked by a hack who knows nothing about the proper trimming of trees.

Frustrated, discouraged, angry, abused, and discounted.  These are some of the ways the other tenants and I feel. Regardless how upset we are, no matter how we clearly see what needless damage has been done, in the end there is nothing, absolutely not one thing we can do about it.

How many similar situations do you encounter in life when you are completely powerless to do anything to positively effect change? How many times have you cared about what is right and best only to have someone negatively impact a situation because they did not have the same sharp ethical and moral vision and caring?  How many times have you encountered a frustrating situation when the answer is clear to you yet evades those who hold the power?

These type situations happen all the time. We are surrounded by people who operate at different levels of emotional awareness and responsibility. If we all led with our heart these type frustrating and needless situations would not occur. But we don’t all lead with our heart, to feel what it is like to be on the receiving end of hurtful, thoughtless, and irrational behavior.

So what do you and I do when we can do nothing? Surrender.  Yes, we abandon the idea people who behave irrationally should know better. In situations where we can do nothing, we surrender the hope we can reason with unreasonable people.  It’s not possible.  Our power is to surrender to the truth we cannot be heard by those who are not interested in listening. So we choose to let go of what we know to be right and best. We choose to surrender to the fact other people need hard lessons sometimes too in order to wake up their compassionate and responsible heart.

I know surrender seems like giving up. I know it feels like justice must be served because you and I can see the big picture with the eyes of our heart. But instead of seeing surrender as giving up, view conceding to what we cannot positively influence as bringing a higher level of awareness to the situation than what created it.  We are choosing our battles wisely rather than allowing ourselves to ego-box with those who do not care to see anything other than their point of view.

Be the Person You Want to Attract

Regina into mirrorI was forty-eight years old before I found my right partner. It happened only after I stopped focusing on finding someone and started concentrating completely on being someone worth finding.

Today I want to talk with you about how important it is that you be the person you want to attract.  By knowing yourself intimately, and you are honest with yourself about your strengths and weaknesses, then you will know what you are comfortable with in another person.

Take time to determine which values, such as honesty, loyalty, compassion, promptness, cooperation, patience (think of as many as you can) are currently among your character strengths, or, if absent, your weaknesses. After determining your values, strengths, and limitations, spend time determining your objectives in a relationship. What is important to you in terms of finances, monogamy, pets, having children and how to raise them, spirituality, savings, accumulation of things vs. memories, etc.  The goal is to find someone who shares your values.  He puts the toilet seat down because he is courteous.  She hangs up her clothes because she is neat.  You both share your thoughts and feelings with one another because you value the intimacy that comes from clear and honest communication.

Your relationships will not be successful if you try to mold someone into the person you want them to be. Look for someone who already embodies the values you hold dear.  Then you will be able to weather any relationship storm because respect and clear communication is the foundation upon which you have come together to create a better life than you would have on your own. Who’s out there for you depends on what’s already within you.

To Have the Best Life Give the Best of Yourself to Life

'Integrity' highlighted in greenFor twenty two years I was a slave to cigarettes. Some days I smoked two packs. Back then it was like each day I set a $5 bill a day on fire. Not to mention the constant coughing, bad breath, horrible smelling clothing, reoccurring bronchitis, and inability to walk up a flight of stairs without having to rest. I was only in my early forties and I was terrified of dying. Yet, day after day, year after year, I continued to justify smoking. Just like any addiction, smoking was my way of stuffing emotional pain so with each inhale I sucked in more self-hatred, denial, and disappointment.

While I hated being under the control of a tiny white tube of tobacco, I believed I was too weak-willed to quit. Until one day it hit me. I was NOT weak at all. I was strong for having successfully survived all of the other challenges life brought me. No, I was not weak, but fearful what life would be like and who I would be without the emotional crutch I’d used for over two decades.

Accepting the fact I was using cigarettes to avoid opening up to loving and respecting myself, was the game-changing aha.  The truth is, no matter how painful my life had been, intentionally continuing to hurt myself was even more painful. A little over fifteen years ago, at 9 p.m. on a Sunday evening, I put cigarettes down for good.

When we finally decided to love ourselves and do whatever it takes to accomplish a goal we will succeed.  It begins with an intentional choice to stop allowing something to control us. Then we start controlling ourselves because to have the best life we must give the best of ourselves to life.

Every Action Has a Consequence

Freedom-of-ChoiceRecently I wrote a piece for an on-line magazine for its spirituality section. Although the article was about forgiveness and love, the editor wanted to put my photo in front of the word hate to accompany the article. After much discussion and protest on my part the photo was changed, but he did so begrudgingly.

One very huge thing bothered me about this. Every photo put on the internet stays on the internet forever!  The photo of me smiling with the word hate behind me, would have gone out on the internet without the accompanying article, to stand alone without explanation.  Anyone Googling my name would pull up the photo of me, with my smiling face, with the word HATE behind me.

You may not remember, but I do, the negative impact a standalone photo had on a very young Jane Fonda when she innocently held up a rifle in Vietnam during the war. A photo was snapped of her smiling, holding the rifle, and to this day she is still thought of by some a traitor. The truth is, she was too young to know the reality of what was going to happen. This happened way before the internet.

There is a huge difference between following the guidance of our head and the justifications it makes and our heart that has wisdom to see the big picture.  To create our best life it is vital to use our heart to evaluate what our head tells us because every one of our actions results in a consequence. We take time to determine the possible consequences of our actions before we act. And, we stand up and defend ourselves against those people who do not have the heart-awareness to see what is clear to us as the higher, more loving and positive way of moving in the world.

Today, take time to evaluate what you put on the internet.  Not from fear, but simply from the perspective of knowing it will be around forever.  Make certain you are proud of what you are saying and doing. Make sure you are not allowing other people to have any control over the lasting image you are leaving out there.

Other People’s Rudeness is Not Personal

rude and politeHave you ever been in the wrong place and the wrong time to have someone come out of left field and be rude to you?  This happened to my partner and me recently when a woman started shouting at us at a red light. It was clear she was enraged, but not at us. We were already stopped at the light when she drove up. When we happened to look over she just went ballistic. My partner and I both took a deep breath and ignored her. As soon as the light changed she floored her car and sped away still angry.

The key thing to remember is, when someone is so enraged they are willing to take it out on an innocent stranger, they are not thinking. They are on auto-pilot of a deeply wounded ego. They are mad at something or someone. People who lash out are basically out of control so there is no talking to them to point out how they are behaving. They may be aware of their behavior but are blinded by their ego so they are looking for someone, anyone to pick a fight with, and to dump aggression and anger upon.

Don’t take it personally. When people do something so irrational like what happened to me and my partner, they are directing their frustration, disappointment, and anger outward. Chances are they are really mad at themselves and vomit their disappointment onto others rather than look within to deal with the source of their pain.

Love yourself by being the emotionally responsible one and refuse to engage. No, it is not necessarily easy but it is definitely worth you taking the high road to not get involved with someone who is not in control of themselves.

Life Falls Apart for a Reason

Put-Back-TogetherOne night I got a call from a friend/family member who was in the hospital after badly cutting two of his fingers.  He was very upset and while waiting for the surgeon he reached out to me. He is a master wood worker and while accidents do happen, he is positive this mishap was the result of being distracted by a personal problem. He began to cry and said, “I know this happened as a wakeup call because I can’t live this way anymore.” While in pain from his hand, he confessed the greatest hurt was inside, and asked for my help to find and release the source of his anguish.

When we are traveling down the wrong path in life we get lots of wake up calls. Sometimes they begin gently, like a nudge from the Universe. If we don’t listen they become stronger. If we still don’t listen the wake up calls become painful. I completely understand because I had to lose almost everything before I woke up and began to pay attention.

I was downsized from an executive position right before 9/11. Without any prospect of a job in the city where I’d lived for twenty years I had to move away. I was forced to sell the new home I’d moved into only two years before. I had to leave the beautiful English cottage garden I’d built stone by stone and plant by plant. I lost my relationship. It seemed overnight I was involuntarily removed from the familiar, from friends, from the life I knew. But it was far from overnight. I’d received and ignored signs for a very long time.  Until one day the life I was living was literally taken from me. Today I realize how fortunate I am because in the process of life falling apart I found myself.

When you get a gentle nudge from the powers that be, don’t ignore it. Bravely turn to face whatever in life (relationships, job, addiction, finances, etc.) is not going well. It is not easy to assume responsibility and make changes. But when things in life fall apart there is a reason and an opportunity to find what you can change about you or a situation for the better.

You Are More Than a Human Being

REgina You RockEnlightened messengers teach the reason for being is to make yourself and the world better off for your having lived. Accomplishing this goal means not only leaving an Earth changing scientific, technological, financial, or cultural innovation as your legacy to humanity. While these may be invaluable contributions, the greatest achievement is controlling impulsive, self-centered, “I am only human” behavior to perform with positive, peaceful purposefulness in the countless actions that make up your day.

Each moment you set your heart on behaving with positive purpose, you align with the selfless, accountable, and caring side of your being. You rise above the limiting excuse, you are only human, to lead with the best of your emotional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual self. You live as an ordinary person who creates an extraordinary life.

One of my favorite people, Marianne Williamson, beautifully expresses our hesitation to know ourselves as the Spiritual Being we are in her book, A Return to Love.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  And, as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Your vast possibilities will never be realized by living in awe of people who choose to be the positive change they want to see in the world. It is by choosing to recognize yourself in them that your greatest potential is held.  You and I are indeed spiritual beings on great human adventures.

 

Hard Decisions Lead to an Easier Life

hard-decisions-easy-lifeMany years ago, I dated an alcoholic. I did not recognize the condition in the beginning, but over time it became clear as the incidents of intoxication began to add up. After each occurrence there was an apology, a request for forgiveness, and a promise it would not happen again. No matter how much I wanted the drinking to stop, it did not. No matter how much I prayed for follow-through on the promise to seek help, there was none. For too long I chose to believe what was promised, rather than accepting the repeated actions as proof of what was actually true.

For a long time I believed I was stuck with the choices I made. No matter how bad the mistreatment I just couldn’t leave the person I’d promised to stay with. Yet one day I realized that remaining loyal to someone who thought it was okay to hurt the one they said they loved was actually allowing myself to be abused. I did not create a better life by thinking I was stuck. In fact, the resentment and anger I felt was growing bigger with each passing day. That is when I chose to let go, to leave, to release us both from the constant arguments, blame, and disappointment.

Whether it is a friendship, primary or work relationship you are not stuck with the decisions you make.  You do, however, have the responsibility to be honest with yourself about the reality of your current situation. You also are responsible to learn as much as you can from the choices you make that you now wish were different.

At one time, I worked for a shady organization. I caught my boss stealing money from a fundraising event I designed but he took credit for. He was also accused of sexually assaulting a fellow employee, plus a variety of other offenses. Management refused to address the issues because the higher-ups were guilty of the same things.

Each day it became more difficult for me to go to work. My heart actually hurt when I walked into the office. One day I could not stand it anymore. No matter how much I needed the money, I refused to sell myself short any longer. The moment I decided to quit, some wonderfully positive energy seemed to align itself with me. Yes, it was a hard decision but it lead to an easier life. Within a month, a great position working with good people came along. The energy I put out attracted similar energy.

From experience I can promise you, one of the best ways to avoid problems and make life easier is to learn to trust and act upon the protective wise whispers of your heart. It is not fearful but confident, not angry but calm, not confused but sure, not stressful but peaceful. Your intuitive information is always supportive and positive like the truthful guidance of a wise and trusted friend. It will guide you in making the hard decision so life becomes easier.

RYS 048: How to Help Protect Your Heart (podcast) http://romancingyoursoul.com/rys-048

You Are Who You Hang With [Video]