Presence is Peace, Power, and Purpose

Senior mother and daughter having fun

The relationships we have are the most important and fulfilling aspect of life. We cannot create good relationships with others if we are not present with them.  We can be physically present but emotionally disconnected, distracted with other things.  People know when we are not listening to them.  They know when we are distracted.

To stay present requires developing the peace and purpose that comes from controlling what we allow to distract us from what is happening in the moment. We turn off the cell phone when sitting across the table from family and friends and immerse ourselves fully in the conversation at hand. When the people in our lives want to share how their day was, we turn off the television. We place more value on listening attentively and fully acknowledging their joy and excitement.

Life is now, this moment.  I cannot tell you how much life has improved by keeping myself present in the now.  Work on keeping your mind focused on what is happening in the now moment.  Begin with the conversations you have. As you speak, hear your words in your head and in your heart. When listening to others, hear their words in your head and in your heart. Allow someone to finish speaking before you jump in so you do not interrupt them or make them feel cut off. Listen to others with a quiet mind, without thinking about a response. Your relationships will immediately improve when you stay emotionally present in the now.

Your Thoughts Create Your Behavior

Mind-of-its-OwnDo you know your mind has a mind of its own?  We’ll it does.  Your thoughts create your behavior. So if life is not going well, if you are frustrated, having a bad relationship, are stressed to the max, then to change your life you must change your thinking.

To change your thinking requires mastering your mind that has a mind of its own. To master your mind slow down. Intentionally concentrate on what you are thinking when you are thinking it. Stay connected to and responsible for what you are thinking and why?

Are your thoughts negative?  Do your thoughts limit you? Does your mind feed you a constant stream of negative judgments about yourself and other people?

When you catch yourself having negative thoughts, stop and dissect them.  Why in the world would you want to believe thoughts such as, “The world is going to hell in a hand basket.  People are out to get me.  Everyone is corrupt, rude and unkind.  I can’t trust anyone or depend on anyone because people are only out for themselves.”  Yes, there are some bad people who do bad things but the vast majority of people are not bad. So blanket negative thoughts are not truth.

Instead of just allowing your mind to think negative, uncomfortable thoughts, look for the truth rather than buying into gossip, opinion or the fear of others and what you are exposed to in the media.  Soon you will realize there are many good people doing good things, people can be trusted and most people really are generous and kind.

Confront each and every limiting thought. Remember what you concentrate on becomes your world.  Look for the positive in life, in yourself and in other people.  Seeking the positive will give your mind new things to think about because when you change your thinking you will change your life.

 

A Drama-Rama Life is not Entertaining

Life is going to suck at times. Life is going to provide lots of drama. There is much negative going on in the world. But when we only focus on the negative, the drama-rama of life, we find ourselves in the middle of a bleak existence where we feel powerless, depressed, and victimized. And we wonder why. Because of what we’re letting in to influence us.

Someone I know became addicted to television court dramas—so much so she experienced frequent panic attacks and no longer found value in her daily life. Her relationships suffered, and she gained a tremendous amount of weight from eating while glued to the endless spectacle as it unfolded daily over the television.

We have to keep in the forefront of our consciousness, what we concentrate on we create. What we allow in does influence our mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Just like Earth is constantly being hit by cosmic radiation you and I are constantly being hit too by endless advertisements, news programs, commentary, billboards, radio shows, pessimistic people, and websites designed to capture our attention and influence us. Much of our exposure is negative or opinionated, condones reckless behavior, or promotes the pursuit of meaningless goals. Don’t forget advertisers are selling you something.  They will use fear, lies, sex and all sorts of things to intimidate or seduce you into purchasing what they are selling.

There is a saying, “We are what we eat.” What we feed our body can nurture us. Or, eating without awareness can set us up for illness, excess weight gain, and stress. The same is true for what we feed our mind and heart.Care about what you allow into your mind and heart because a little bit of drama comes with being alive but a life filled with drama will never be that entertaining.

Healthy Boundaries Create Healthy Relationships

Being-respectedAt one time I was a doormat. People walked all over me. They abused me and used me. I hated myself for being weak, for not standing up for myself, for being a doormat.  Until one day the resentment and anger grew so big I exploded.  But the emotional eruption did not make me feel better.  The only thing that stopped me feeling used and abused was to stop allowing myself to be mistreated.

People will treat us as we allow them to. People will not know how to treat us unless we let them know.  We can’t be afraid of rocking the boat or that we won’t be liked.  Who cares if we are liked by people who mistreat us, or use us, or treat us like a doormat?

A boundary is a limit we set to protect and take care of ourselves.  Boundaries let other people know our availability, values, and the conditions under which we will interact.  Establishing a boundary about how we want to be treated or how we must take care of ourselves is not about control or manipulation.  We do not set boundaries to change other people.  We do so to change us – to create a better, more positive life for ourselves by demonstrating a commitment to self-love and respect.

Learn to say no. Don’t be a doormat thinking people will like you for doing what they want you to do. Respect yourself enough to not go against what you know is right and best for you. The right people will respect you when you respect yourself enough to set boundaries out of love for yourself.

Get to Know Your Neighbors

Woman in Red FBThere was a time we exchanged keys with a neighbor should we get locked out. We trusted each other.

There was a time if someone needed help, neighbors rushed to be of assistance. We watched out for one another.

There was a time if a child fell off her bicycle, a stranger walked her safely home. We cared for other people’s children as if they were our own.

That time was recently, in my neighborhood, in the heart of the second largest city in the United States.  Good people are everywhere! You and I are part of a worldwide group of people who are more similar than different. The vast majority of us want the same things like peace, happiness, and connectedness.

So romance your soul by getting to know your neighbors because our neighborhoods create our cities. Our cities create our states. Our states create our nation. Kindness, friendliness, helpfulness, and cooperation really do start at home by our being examples of what good neighbors and positive community member’s look like.

Be first to extend the hand of friendship.  Don’t wait for other people to go first.  You take the lead and share a smile, make a friend.

 

Loneliness is a State of Mind

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One of the best things I’ve learned is that there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. At this time in life I spend a lot of time alone and love each minute of me-time.  Periods of solitude are healthy. I engage with myself, support myself, and have established intimacy with myself, which means I know me inside and out and am comfortable with who I am. It is during my alone time that I am most creative.  I healed myself by being alone. Solitude allowed me to honestly look within.  Today I am absolutely okay being alone. But there was a time I spent most of my time alone and hated it. And, there was a good reason I felt lonely even when I was surrounded by other people.

I felt lonely because I told myself I was lonely.  I know it sounds funny but our thoughts create our behavior.  I was completely focused on the huge chasm between my desire for hanging out with people and the reality of my social interaction level.  I wanted lots of friends and to be popular but I wasn’t. What I focused on – my being lonely – I created.

It is important for us to accept we are never alone.  We always have ourselves.  For me, accepting I could be my own best friend, biggest fan, most trusted confidant, and loving partner, allowed me to appreciate the difference between being lonely and being alone.

Learn how to be your own best friend, biggest fan, most trusted confidant, and loving partner.  By being okay on your own you will no longer be lonely. And, people will want to be around you because you are okay on your own.

Shopping is Not Good Therapy

Character-makes-one-rich
There was a time when I compulsively shopped to surround myself with things.  For me collecting stuff meant I was successful. One day I woke up emotionally and accepted the fact I was surrounded by things which never really made me happy.  I realized if I lighten the load I would feel better about myself.

First, to de-clutter required me to stop the purchasing cycle. When I compulsively shopped it was an attempt to fill the holes within my heart.  Shopping therapy is not healthy as it is one way to distract ourselves from core issues we are not addressing.  Part of the healing process is recognizing things will never provide the emotional satisfaction we want.  To heal emotionally we must look inside and deal with the reasons we are surrounding ourselves with things. In fact, confronting our issues is the only way to gain freedom from them.

Second, I went through every room, drawer, closet, etc. and selected items that were not needed or wanted.  Items hold energy.  I made certain to keep only those things that hold positive energy for me.  I sold, donated, or gave away everything I no longer wanted or needed.

Third, I made and kept a promise to myself I would not replace the objects. Instead I looked inward to find the peace, balance, and identity for which I longed.

Success, satisfaction and fulfillment do not come from what we collect but from the relationships we establish. With ourselves and with others.

 

 

RYS 046: Gratitude is the Way to the Happiest Life (podcast) http://romancingyoursoul.com/rys-046/

Can you find Happiness in Challenging Circumstances? [Video]

 

Don’t Let Yourself Be Controlled

Often control is confused with love.  But, love is not control.

That does not stop people from attempting to control us. From our career to choosing our partner, other people feel free to force their decisions on us. Often they are so blinded by what they want they do not attempt to understand our point of view and desire to create the life we want for ourselves.

The positive action we can take with someone who is controlling is to speak with them openly, honestly and candidly.  Calmly and patiently express our desires.  Remain rational and non-emotional.  That means, we do not get angry or frustrated.  Simply state what is true. We convey the truth that no one can know what is best for another. We remain respectful yet determined.

If they still do not listen or consider our position then we develop a plan to remain aligned with what we know is best for us.   It will not necessarily be easy, yet in the end it is worth it, as we are unique individuals who are meant to dream our dreams and create our own best life.

We must be self-supportive and hang in there. We stay committed to not letting anyone prevent us from achieving our dreams. It is by dreaming beyond the limitations of others that we indeed change ourselves and the world for the better.

Consistent Behavior is Proof of Who We Are

Often I am contacted by people whose partner repeatedly cheats and then wants their significant other back again.  At the time, the cheater seems so remorseful that the people being cheated on want to believe them. Then it happens again and they reach out desperate to find out how to change their betraying partner for good

The truth is we cannot change anyone but ourselves.  People who promised to be faithful then cheat do not love and respect themselves enough to remain committed to the agreements they make in relationship.

For those being cheated on their power lies in changing how they are allowing themselves to be treated. The first step is to accept the truth of their cheating partner’s behavior. Action, not words, are proof of who someone really is.  The emotional roller coaster is created by clinging to the fantasy of how someone hopes the partner will behave someday rather than accepting repeated behavior as evidence of who the person is, today.

To protect our emotions, we must set firm boundaries. We must clearly and calmly tell the cheating partner how the behavior feels. “When you betray my trust and the agreement we made to be faithful to one another, I feel violated and abused. I need honesty and to know I can trust you in order for this relationship to work.  Please address your issues or I will leave the relationship.”

If the cheating partner truly wants to keep the relationship then setting a firm boundary may get them to look at their behavior. If they refuse to get help or to actively work on their issues, we must be prepared to do what is best for us. If we continue to allow ourselves to be betrayed and do nothing then we are saying to them that their behavior is okay.

Regardless if a cheater changes or not the stress, disappointment and disloyalty we feel must end.  We are the only person in the position to make sure it does by setting a boundary out of greater love and respect for ourselves.

 

Lead By Example

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There are moments when I feel surrounded by rude people.  It seems I often run into the thoughtless and negative behavior of others. But, no matter how frustrating some people’s self-centered behavior is, we can’t change anyone but ourselves.  And we cannot fight fire with fire and expect not to get burned.

That means ego-boxing with self-absorbed and rude people only fuels them.  No matter what kind of jerks they are, our happiness and peace depend on refusing to stoop to their level.

Instead of focusing on trying to change others lets concentrate on stopping rudeness once and for all. The cure begins at home.

People must be taught values, courtesy, respect and patience.  Right now too many of us are rushing around with eyes only on our own agenda.  To stop this we as parents and as a society must place greatest value on being people of values. Those of us who do value kindness, compassion, and respect must do our best to instill these same values in our children. We seek out friends and those we associate with the same positive values too.

Our world will change when we set boundaries against unacceptable behavior from those we have the power to influence.  When more of us care about being people of polite and respectful behavior, then those who are self-centered and rude will stand out even more. Standing out is what puts pressure on others and that is when change happens.  And, we must also stop allowing reality shows, opinion television, and sarcastic, me-first television to teach our children how to behave.  Bullying stops when we stop bullying. In our homes, at the office, in schools, and on television we have to make behaving like a jerk unacceptable.

er whom we have influence.