Month: December 2014

For many years I was afraid of being abandoned. I clung to friends and the people I dated so tightly I smothered them with my insecurity.  In the end, every one of the, “I must have you in my life” relationships ended.

At the time I did not realize the fear of being abandoned had nothing to do with other people and everything to do with me.  One day I realized other people are not responsible for never leaving me.  I am the only constant in my life.  So my fear of abandonment, while rooted in childhood, was really about how I was abandoning myself.

Each time I did not stay aligned with my principles and values and went along with the crowd, or when I allowed other people to abuse me, or when I was financially irresponsible, or when I went against what I knew in my heart was best for me, or I looked to someone else to make me happy, I was actually abandoning myself.  WOW! What a wake up call to realize giving my personal power away to create my best life was actually abandoning myself.

I have not feared being abandoned for many years.  I cannot make other people stay in my life and it is not comfortable to have people who are clingy and fearful of being abandoned in mine.  When I accepted I am the best friend and biggest supporter I’ll ever have, and that my happiness and peace is the result of doing my best to remain true to myself by behaving with impeccability, I released the fear of being abandoned.

I was around five when I decided it was a great idea to let my parent’s sleep in on Christmas morning. I took my little sister by the hand and we quietly snuck into the living room. I closed the door then plugged in the Christmas tree lights. I sat my three year old sister down in one of the overstuffed chairs.

One by one I handed out the presents. I separated my mom and dad’s and put them next to two empty chairs. I put Rachel’s in front of her and put mine next to me. Once I’d crawled around the back of the tree on my hands and knees to make certain I’d gotten each and every present, we settled back for some serious clandestine gift opening.

When we got finished we both went in to wake up our parents to tell them about all the gifts Santa brought. I’ll never forget the look on their faces. My mom cried and my dad looked so sad. Neither of them got mad. In fact they both quickly assured us that Santa wasn’t mad either but that mom’s and dad’s like to watch their children open gifts. But, they did make us promise we’d never again open presents without them.

It’s been over fifty years since that covert present-opening operation. My mom remembers that Christmas in our little house on Mistletoe Street in Victoria, Texas as if it were yesterday.  I do too and I will for the rest of my life.

Merry Christmas!

There was a time I refused to take the actions I knew were best for me, and in the long run, for everyone concerned.  I refused because I thought myself a failure if I gave up. So I stayed in a relationship long after the lessons I needed to learn were over. I was stuck by the excuses that I could somehow make it work, or get the other person to change, or that I just could not break the commitment I made. I bought the fear and guilt based rationalizations until the day I realized I was suffering greatly and everyone around me was too. Not just because of the negative relationship but because we were not taking the actions we knew in our heart were best.

Too often we stay in negative situations for all the wrong reasons. If we know deep in our heart it is, and has been, time to go then we need to seriously and honestly look at the excuses, fear, and guilt we are allowing to stop us from doing what needs to be done.  We also must remember that our actions serve as examples for others.  Do we honestly want the people we say we love to continue to endure what we are enduring? Do we want them to put aside self-love and respect because they do not have the courage to love themselves more by removing themselves from a continuously negative situation? Do we really want to show them how little we respect ourselves by choosing to remain in our suffering rather than choosing to free ourselves?

Often we think we are wrong for leaving or giving up. We need to remember that when a relationship has run its course, we know it beyond doubt in our heart.  So what makes us wrong is not leaving but continuing to subject ourselves to the negative, to the suffering.

Love is courageously doing what we must to care for ourselves and for others.  Yes, moving on hurts. But the pain is bearable by knowing that doing what needs to be done to end to our suffering will, in the end, be best for everyone involved. Even if the other people involved do not change. We have changed ourselves by bringing a higher level of awareness by refusing to continue making negative contributions to a relationship while calling it love.