Month: January 2015

It is easy to look for change and improvement to come from outside ourselves. We want our parents, partner and friends to improve their behavior.  When they don’t we get disappointed. We feel stuck and frustrated.

If we only had a magic wand life would be so much easier.  Well, we don’t have the power to change other people with the flick of our wrist.  The only power we have is to set boundaries against unacceptable behavior, to forgive, and to be responsible for how we behave.  When we take responsibility for communicating clearly, for listening intently, for speaking as we want to be spoken to, we lead by loving example.

Often other people change their behavior when we change ours.  It is not something we expect, but a frequent positive outcome from loving ourselves enough to be an example. Changing ourselves for the better is the power we have because changed people often change people without trying.

Anger is healthy, when expressed in the appropriate way.  What is not healthy is stuffing your feelings. If you suppress your feelings they will grow and eat at you, often building inside until you explode.

Repression of emotions is one of the major causes of addictions, abuse, depression, and disease in our culture. In many families, emotions are either repressed or expressed in abusive ways. As children and young adults we’re too often told being angry is bad and we should just move on.  When I got angry I was punished or shamed into repressing my emotions.  I felt rejected and my emotions discounted.  When I’d express I was angry, sad, fearful, disappointed, I was told, “Oh no, you’re not feeling that.” As a child I learned to mistrust my own perceptions and repress what I felt.

If we do not express anger in healthy ways we tend to turn that anger inward.  Often that turned in rage becomes physical abuse. We cut ourselves, abuse ourselves with substances, we spend without responsibility, smoke, do drugs, behave recklessly, feel entitled to behave as we please without assuming responsibility for our actions.  The rage my father often expressed taught me that it was okay to express my anger inappropriately by raging.  His frequent abuse of alcohol taught me to turn to substances to deal with the anger I was repressing.

When you get angry do something to let it out.  Don’t keep it bottled up inside you.

Healthy expression of feelings gets the angry, hurt or scared energy out of your body without hurting property, yourself or any other person or animal. Run, walk fast, punch a punching bag, or yell into a pillow.  Whatever activity you choose make certain it does not harm you or anyone or anything else. Focus on the feeling of release and freedom you get from moving the stuck anger energy out of your body. Remember it is absolutely okay to be angry, but never okay to be abusive.

Throughout my life I’ve heard advice from people on how I should be doing this or that. While most of the people mean well, telling me what I should do still feels like judgment or condemnation.

There is a fine line between offering supportive counsel and putting our expectations onto others.  We may have experience in a certain area that we want to share, but there are other ways to convey that advice without using, ”You should…”

While “should” is a popular and overused word in our vocabulary, it is not appropriate when sharing thoughts on how to live our best life, because it feels judgmental.  It is not possible for another person to know what is best for us. Telling someone he or she “should” do something is placing our expectations on the other person.  The loving thing is to share advice that is supportive rather than judgmental or condemning. For example changing, “You really should dump that looser guy you are dating” to “If the values and behavior of the man you are dating are not in line with yours, it may be good to step back and seriously reevaluate the relationship.”

I believe we will stop unintentionally placing judgment, expectations and condemnation onto others when we care how our advice feels to the person we are counseling.  You and I can lead the way to be the change we want to see by refusing to use the word “should.”  And, we can gently and respectfully point out to those closest to us how it feels to hear that word.

Someone is angry with me and yet he has, so far, not had the courage to tell me why.  Apparently something I did, that I am unaware of, made him mad. I’ve reached out asking for an explanation, for him to tell me what he thinks I did. I am willing to listen.  And I am willing to peacefully and respectfully talk through the situation so we can reach a point where we both feel comfortable again. But I am not being given the chance.

Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect. And, both parties must respect themselves enough to deal with the negative that sometimes arises in relationship. When one person in the relationship is unwilling to honestly address issues he or she has, then the other person is left helpless to do anything to resolve the situation.

It is not easy being blamed for something you are unaware you did.  But when you have asked, when you are willing to do whatever it takes to heal the relationship, and you meet silence the only choice you have is to let go.  Have faith the truth will come out. When it does you can make amends if you have indeed wronged someone. Until then, remember you are showing your true nature by wanting to resolve the issue. And, the true nature of the other person is being revealed too.