Author: Regina Cates

My heart broke a bit recently when the son of the owner of my apartment building had the man who mows the lawn, badly, cut back the beautiful orange trees and a butterfly bush.  It may seem strange for me to be upset over the trees but the other tenants and I took pride in them. We even paid a professional to trim the trees to keep them beautiful and healthy. We value those beautiful trees.  We care for them, tend them, and nourish them.  The oranges they produce are some of the most delicious we’ve ever eaten.

Since the son of the 97 year old owner who never comes around is on site due to a down stairs neighbor’s death and a vacant apartment, he looked around for things to do.  He was angry with the man who mows the lawn because he does not do anything but mow and blow once a week.  So he wanted him to do something. Aha, I’ll have him trim the trees he thought. The problem is the trees were perfect since they were just neatly trimmed less than three months before.

We’ve been telling the landlord for years the man who mows the lawn is horrible but there is some sort of blind loyalty to him. Now the orange trees, the pride of the entire block, have been hacked by a hack who knows nothing about the proper trimming of trees.

Frustrated, discouraged, angry, abused, and discounted.  These are some of the ways the other tenants and I feel. Regardless how upset we are, no matter how we clearly see what needless damage has been done, in the end there is nothing, absolutely not one thing we can do about it.

How many similar situations do you encounter in life when you are completely powerless to do anything to positively effect change? How many times have you cared about what is right and best only to have someone negatively impact a situation because they did not have the same sharp ethical and moral vision and caring?  How many times have you encountered a frustrating situation when the answer is clear to you yet evades those who hold the power?

These type situations happen all the time. We are surrounded by people who operate at different levels of emotional awareness and responsibility. If we all led with our heart these type frustrating and needless situations would not occur. But we don’t all lead with our heart, to feel what it is like to be on the receiving end of hurtful, thoughtless, and irrational behavior.

So what do you and I do when we can do nothing? Surrender.  Yes, we abandon the idea people who behave irrationally should know better. In situations where we can do nothing, we surrender the hope we can reason with unreasonable people.  It’s not possible.  Our power is to surrender to the truth we cannot be heard by those who are not interested in listening. So we choose to let go of what we know to be right and best. We choose to surrender to the fact other people need hard lessons sometimes too in order to wake up their compassionate and responsible heart.

I know surrender seems like giving up. I know it feels like justice must be served because you and I can see the big picture with the eyes of our heart. But instead of seeing surrender as giving up, view conceding to what we cannot positively influence as bringing a higher level of awareness to the situation than what created it.  We are choosing our battles wisely rather than allowing ourselves to ego-box with those who do not care to see anything other than their point of view.

I was forty-eight years old before I found my right partner. It happened only after I stopped focusing on finding someone and started concentrating completely on being someone worth finding.

Today I want to talk with you about how important it is that you be the person you want to attract.  By knowing yourself intimately, and you are honest with yourself about your strengths and weaknesses, then you will know what you are comfortable with in another person.

Take time to determine which values, such as honesty, loyalty, compassion, promptness, cooperation, patience (think of as many as you can) are currently among your character strengths, or, if absent, your weaknesses. After determining your values, strengths, and limitations, spend time determining your objectives in a relationship. What is important to you in terms of finances, monogamy, pets, having children and how to raise them, spirituality, savings, accumulation of things vs. memories, etc.  The goal is to find someone who shares your values.  He puts the toilet seat down because he is courteous.  She hangs up her clothes because she is neat.  You both share your thoughts and feelings with one another because you value the intimacy that comes from clear and honest communication.

Your relationships will not be successful if you try to mold someone into the person you want them to be. Look for someone who already embodies the values you hold dear.  Then you will be able to weather any relationship storm because respect and clear communication is the foundation upon which you have come together to create a better life than you would have on your own. Who’s out there for you depends on what’s already within you.

For twenty two years I was a slave to cigarettes. Some days I smoked two packs. Back then it was like each day I set a $5 bill a day on fire. Not to mention the constant coughing, bad breath, horrible smelling clothing, reoccurring bronchitis, and inability to walk up a flight of stairs without having to rest. I was only in my early forties and I was terrified of dying. Yet, day after day, year after year, I continued to justify smoking. Just like any addiction, smoking was my way of stuffing emotional pain so with each inhale I sucked in more self-hatred, denial, and disappointment.

While I hated being under the control of a tiny white tube of tobacco, I believed I was too weak-willed to quit. Until one day it hit me. I was NOT weak at all. I was strong for having successfully survived all of the other challenges life brought me. No, I was not weak, but fearful what life would be like and who I would be without the emotional crutch I’d used for over two decades.

Accepting the fact I was using cigarettes to avoid opening up to loving and respecting myself, was the game-changing aha.  The truth is, no matter how painful my life had been, intentionally continuing to hurt myself was even more painful. A little over fifteen years ago, at 9 p.m. on a Sunday evening, I put cigarettes down for good.

When we finally decided to love ourselves and do whatever it takes to accomplish a goal we will succeed.  It begins with an intentional choice to stop allowing something to control us. Then we start controlling ourselves because to have the best life we must give the best of ourselves to life.