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It is easy to look for change and improvement to come from outside ourselves. We want our parents, partner and friends to improve their behavior.  When they don’t we get disappointed. We feel stuck and frustrated.

If we only had a magic wand life would be so much easier.  Well, we don’t have the power to change other people with the flick of our wrist.  The only power we have is to set boundaries against unacceptable behavior, to forgive, and to be responsible for how we behave.  When we take responsibility for communicating clearly, for listening intently, for speaking as we want to be spoken to, we lead by loving example.

Often other people change their behavior when we change ours.  It is not something we expect, but a frequent positive outcome from loving ourselves enough to be an example. Changing ourselves for the better is the power we have because changed people often change people without trying.

 

Anger is healthy, when expressed in the appropriate way.  What is not healthy is stuffing your feelings. If you suppress your feelings they will grow and eat at you, often building inside until you explode.

Repression of emotions is one of the major causes of addictions, abuse, depression, and disease in our culture. In many families, emotions are either repressed or expressed in abusive ways. As children and young adults we’re too often told being angry is bad and we should just move on.  When I got angry I was punished or shamed into repressing my emotions.  I felt rejected and my emotions discounted.  When I’d express I was angry, sad, fearful, disappointed, I was told, “Oh no, you’re not feeling that.” As a child I learned to mistrust my own perceptions and repress what I felt.

If we do not express anger in healthy ways we tend to turn that anger inward.  Often that turned in rage becomes physical abuse. We cut ourselves, abuse ourselves with substances, we spend without responsibility, smoke, do drugs, behave recklessly, feel entitled to behave as we please without assuming responsibility for our actions.  The rage my father often expressed taught me that it was okay to express my anger inappropriately by raging.  His frequent abuse of alcohol taught me to turn to substances to deal with the anger I was repressing.

When you get angry do something to let it out.  Don’t keep it bottled up inside you.

Healthy expression of feelings gets the angry, hurt or scared energy out of your body without hurting property, yourself or any other person or animal. Run, walk fast, punch a punching bag, or yell into a pillow.  Whatever activity you choose make certain it does not harm you or anyone or anything else. Focus on the feeling of release and freedom you get from moving the stuck anger energy out of your body. Remember it is absolutely okay to be angry, but never okay to be abusive.

Throughout my life I’ve heard advice from people on how I should be doing this or that. While most of the people mean well, telling me what I should do still feels like judgment or condemnation.

There is a fine line between offering supportive counsel and putting our expectations onto others.  We may have experience in a certain area that we want to share, but there are other ways to convey that advice without using, ”You should…”

While “should” is a popular and overused word in our vocabulary, it is not appropriate when sharing thoughts on how to live our best life, because it feels judgmental.  It is not possible for another person to know what is best for us. Telling someone he or she “should” do something is placing our expectations on the other person.  The loving thing is to share advice that is supportive rather than judgmental or condemning. For example changing, “You really should dump that looser guy you are dating” to “If the values and behavior of the man you are dating are not in line with yours, it may be good to step back and seriously reevaluate the relationship.”

I believe we will stop unintentionally placing judgment, expectations and condemnation onto others when we care how our advice feels to the person we are counseling.  You and I can lead the way to be the change we want to see by refusing to use the word “should.”  And, we can gently and respectfully point out to those closest to us how it feels to hear that word.

Someone is angry with me and yet he has, so far, not had the courage to tell me why.  Apparently something I did, that I am unaware of, made him mad. I’ve reached out asking for an explanation, for him to tell me what he thinks I did. I am willing to listen.  And I am willing to peacefully and respectfully talk through the situation so we can reach a point where we both feel comfortable again. But I am not being given the chance.

Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect. And, both parties must respect themselves enough to deal with the negative that sometimes arises in relationship. When one person in the relationship is unwilling to honestly address issues he or she has, then the other person is left helpless to do anything to resolve the situation.

It is not easy being blamed for something you are unaware you did.  But when you have asked, when you are willing to do whatever it takes to heal the relationship, and you meet silence the only choice you have is to let go.  Have faith the truth will come out. When it does you can make amends if you have indeed wronged someone. Until then, remember you are showing your true nature by wanting to resolve the issue. And, the true nature of the other person is being revealed too.

I do not have a list of New Year’s resolutions. For too many years I set myself up declaring all the things I was going to change about myself yet did not stick with long enough to actually achieve the change I wanted. Then I spent the next eleven and a half months beating myself up for not sticking to all of my resolutions.

This year let’s identified one thing to concentrate on, to make a consistent part of our new 2015 life-style. After successfully achieving this one thing, we can add another. Happy New Year!

I do not have a list of New Year’s resolutions. For too many years I set myself up declaring all the things I was going to change about myself, yet did not stick with long enough to actually achieve the change I wanted. Then I would spend the next eleven and a half months beating myself up for not keeping the resolutions I made.

This year join me in breaking the habit of making a long list of resolutions. Let’s identify one thing to concentrate on, to make a consistent part of our new 2015 life-style. For example, let’s focus on cleaning up and maintaining clean spaces within our homes and outer environment to enhance the universal flow of energy around and through our body, other people and pets, and the objects surrounding us.

Let’s make our 2015 resolution to maintain clean spaces for everyone on the planet and all life that calls Earth home. The small actions we take do make a big difference.

 

For many years I was afraid of being abandoned. I clung to friends and the people I dated so tightly I smothered them with my insecurity.  In the end, every one of the, “I must have you in my life” relationships ended.

At the time I did not realize the fear of being abandoned had nothing to do with other people and everything to do with me.  One day I realized other people are not responsible for never leaving me.  I am the only constant in my life.  So my fear of abandonment, while rooted in childhood, was really about how I was abandoning myself.

Each time I did not stay aligned with my principles and values and went along with the crowd, or when I allowed other people to abuse me, or when I was financially irresponsible, or when I went against what I knew in my heart was best for me, or I looked to someone else to make me happy, I was actually abandoning myself.  WOW! What a wake up call to realize giving my personal power away to create my best life was actually abandoning myself.

I have not feared being abandoned for many years.  I cannot make other people stay in my life and it is not comfortable to have people who are clingy and fearful of being abandoned in mine.  When I accepted I am the best friend and biggest supporter I’ll ever have, and that my happiness and peace is the result of doing my best to remain true to myself by behaving with impeccability, I released the fear of being abandoned.

I was around five when I decided it was a great idea to let my parent’s sleep in on Christmas morning. I took my little sister by the hand and we quietly snuck into the living room. I closed the door then plugged in the Christmas tree lights. I sat my three year old sister down in one of the overstuffed chairs.

One by one I handed out the presents. I separated my mom and dad’s and put them next to two empty chairs. I put Rachel’s in front of her and put mine next to me. Once I’d crawled around the back of the tree on my hands and knees to make certain I’d gotten each and every present, we settled back for some serious clandestine gift opening.

When we got finished we both went in to wake up our parents to tell them about all the gifts Santa brought. I’ll never forget the look on their faces. My mom cried and my dad looked so sad. Neither of them got mad. In fact they both quickly assured us that Santa wasn’t mad either but that mom’s and dad’s like to watch their children open gifts. But, they did make us promise we’d never again open presents without them.

It’s been over fifty years since that covert present-opening operation. My mom remembers that Christmas in our little house on Mistletoe Street in Victoria, Texas as if it were yesterday.  I do too and I will for the rest of my life.

Merry Christmas!

There was a time I refused to take the actions I knew were best for me, and in the long run, for everyone concerned.  I refused because I thought myself a failure if I gave up. So I stayed in a relationship long after the lessons I needed to learn were over. I was stuck by the excuses that I could somehow make it work, or get the other person to change, or that I just could not break the commitment I made. I bought the fear and guilt based rationalizations until the day I realized I was suffering greatly and everyone around me was too. Not just because of the negative relationship but because we were not taking the actions we knew in our heart were best.

Too often we stay in negative situations for all the wrong reasons. If we know deep in our heart it is, and has been, time to go then we need to seriously and honestly look at the excuses, fear, and guilt we are allowing to stop us from doing what needs to be done.  We also must remember that our actions serve as examples for others.  Do we honestly want the people we say we love to continue to endure what we are enduring? Do we want them to put aside self-love and respect because they do not have the courage to love themselves more by removing themselves from a continuously negative situation? Do we really want to show them how little we respect ourselves by choosing to remain in our suffering rather than choosing to free ourselves?

Often we think we are wrong for leaving or giving up. We need to remember that when a relationship has run its course, we know it beyond doubt in our heart.  So what makes us wrong is not leaving but continuing to subject ourselves to the negative, to the suffering.

Love is courageously doing what we must to care for ourselves and for others.  Yes, moving on hurts. But the pain is bearable by knowing that doing what needs to be done to end to our suffering will, in the end, be best for everyone involved. Even if the other people involved do not change. We have changed ourselves by bringing a higher level of awareness by refusing to continue making negative contributions to a relationship while calling it love.