Trust Your Gut

Recently someone I know was fired from a horrible position working with rude and mean people. Over the past two years she allowed herself to be used and abused. It became harder and harder to go to work, yet she continued to fearfully remain in a situation in which she had absolutely no control or power.  She did not have a back-up plan. Instead of investing herself in finding another position, a distorted sense of loyalty kept her from taking action to move on. So, after repeatedly ignoring the endless intuitive warning signs that her job and life were NOT going in the right direction -stress, illness, dwindling self-respect, being verbally abused, disappointment, anger, etc. –  change was forced upon her.

I completely understand. I was downsized from an executive position right before 9/11. Without any prospect of a job in the city where I’d lived for twenty years I had to move away. I was forced to sell the new home I’d moved into only two years before. I had to leave the beautiful English cottage garden I’d built stone by stone and plant by plant. I lost my relationship. It seemed overnight I was involuntarily removed from the familiar, from friends, from the life I knew. But it was not overnight. There had been clear signs for months, if not years. I chose to ignore them.

From experience I can promise her, and you, that one of the best ways to avoid problems and make life easier is to learn to trust and act upon the protective wise whispers of your heart. It is not fearful but confident, not angry but calm, not confused but sure, not stressful but peaceful. Your intuitive information is always supportive and positive like the truthful guidance of a wise and trusted friend.

What a Wonderful World We’ll Create

Treating-Other-People3Yesterday I witnessed a fender bender on my street.  Someone was not paying attention, pulled out of a parking spot without looking and was hit by a passing car.  Both people got out of their cars and began yelling at one another.

I thought to myself what a better world we will create when we take responsibility for the mistakes we make instead of automatically trying to blame others.  What a wonderful world we will create when we care more for how we peacefully and respectfully interact with one another than we do hunks of metal.  What a wonderful world we will create when we accept that we cannot change an accident after the fact.  What a wonderful world we will create when we accept that none of us is perfect. We have the power to create a wonderful world when we treat other people as we want to be treated.

Keep Your Heart Open

Protect-Your-HeartFor many years I tried to protect my heart from pain and disappointment by keeping it closed. It took a while for me to put two and two together to the truth it was being distanced from the love and responsibility of my heart that actually caused my life to lose meaning, direction, and prevented me from having intimate relationships – with myself and others. Closing my heart did not stop stress, unhappiness, rejection, and disappointment from seeping in. In fact the truth was exactly opposite.

Life will hurt at times. Another truth is that you and I do have the power to prevent a lot of the suffering and stress we needlessly create for ourselves.

With an open heart we care how our behavior impacts us and other people. When we care about ourselves and others we work to stop behaving in the selfish and unconscious ways that create unnecessary anxiety, regret, misery, and guilt in the first place. And it is our heart that gives us courage to set boundaries with those whose behavior consistently brings negativity or mistreatment into our lives.

Striving to behave positively, regardless how others choose to act, does bring the peace, joy and fulfillment we want. Although this is counter to what our ego tells us, the higher, wiser truth is that the world opens its heart to us when we open our heart to the world.

Savor Sweet Memories

iStock_000004280030XSmall[2]I was five years old when my dad stole a tiny piece of my candy corn. After making the Halloween rounds with mom I sat at the kitchen table with my haul laid out before me. Deciding to open my favorite treat first, I placed each candy corn neatly on the table. Starting from the left with the largest piece I continued by size until on my right was the smallest one. It was my favorite and I was saving it until the end.

Without warning my father swooped into the kitchen, grabbed my tiny favorite and ate it.  I burst into tears. He dropped to his knees, wrapped his arms around me and asked what was wrong. I told him the tiny one was my favorite. He said he took the smallest one because he wanted me to have the big pieces.

The next day my dad brought home two packages of candy corn. We sat across from one another at the kitchen table lining up each piece. After all the pieces were laid out he gave me the smallest one from his package and I gave him the largest one from mine. Over fifty years later the memory of that exchange with my father is still a sweet treat within my heart.

This week, be thankful for all the pleasant memories you have of your life. Regardless if the relationships you had with your parents and family are positive, or not, find the memories that are positive.  Feel gratitude for those times because by concentrating on the positive you will create more positive in the present, and future.  Happy Halloween.

Stay Agreeable When Disagreeing

Agreeable_RYS_500x500AToday I raised my voice in conversation with a young man who would not stop talking long enough for me to speak. I was attempting to change an airline reservation and he repeated the same things over and over without once allowing me to finish a sentence. He kept interrupting, did not answer any of my questions, and then tried to overcharge me for the reservation change.

I listened attentively each time he spoke. I waited patiently for an opening. Yet without fail each time I began to speak he interrupted me. This went on for 15 minutes. Finally I said in a strong voice, “Sir, I certainly am glad our conversation is being recorded because when dealing with the public you need to learn to listen so you can help your customers. I also sincerely hope you still have a job after we are done.” I am certain he did not hear me say this either since he was still talking over me.

There are moments when we must assert ourselves. However, on those occasions when it becomes necessary to firmly set boundaries with those who are rude and uncooperative our goal is to still remain kind and courteous. So, I was very polite when I said, “Sir, I am hanging up now.”

 

Choices Can Always Be Changed

For a long time I believed I was stuck with the choices I made. No matter how bad the mistreatment I just couldn’t leave the person I’d promised to stay with. Yet one day I realized that remaining loyal to someone who thought it was okay to hurt the one they said they loved was actually allowing myself to be abused. I did not create a better life by thinking I was stuck. In fact, the resentment and anger I felt was growing bigger with each passing day. That is when I chose to let go, to leave, to release us both from the constant arguments, blame, and disappointment.

You are not stuck with the decisions you make. You are stuck with the responsibility to be honest with yourself about the reality of your current situation. You also are stuck with an obligation to yourself to learn as much as you can from the choices you’ve made that you now wish were different.

You are not stuck to any situation where mistreatment or abuse is happening. No, it is not easy to make a change. But thinking you are stuck with the choices you make is a guarantee that things will indeed stay the same.

Love Does Not Abuse

Frequently I receive emails and messages from people who tell me they are in love with someone who is abusing them or having an affair with someone else or who has left them for another. They are desperate, lonely, feeling lost and betrayed.  While my heart longs to reach out and wrap my arms around each and every one of these people I also want to sit them down in the corner and have a serious and honest chat.

Behavior, not words, is the true indicator of who someone really is.  Abuse is not love. Dishonesty is not love. Betrayal, control, lies are not love. We feel miserable when these things happen to us. Not so much because the other person does them but because WE BETRAYED ourselves by continuing to allow it to happen when we have known that something is not right.  We do not just wake up one day to another person’s negative behavior.  We have been aware of it, and have betrayed ourselves by either choosing to ignore it because they say they love us, or because we love them, or we think they will change, or by expecting them to take care of us emotionally, physically or financially, or for whatever excuse we accept in the moment.

Our healing starts when we honestly admit to ourselves that love does not abuse, or use, or disrespect, or cheat, or lie, or say one thing and do another.  Once we are honest with ourselves we begin finding the self-love, self-respect, and self-reliance necessary to change ourselves.  We find the courage to stop clinging to a fantasy of what we think should be and wrap our arms around the reality of what is. Truly accepting what is allows us to bravely act in our best interest.

Let Someone Know You Care

Acts-of-KindnessToday while walking from the bus to the gym a young man of about 25 crashed his bicycle right in front of me. I heard him riding up from behind. I also heard him hit a tall table from one of the food trucks someone had put too close to the sidewalk.

He was laying on the sidewalk completely entangled in his bike when I got to him. I put my hand on his shoulder and asked if he was hurt. “No, I’m fine,” he replied while holding his knee. From the look on his face I knew he was going to be sore. “Are you sure nothing is broken,” I asked again.  “No, just my pride,” he said with a smile.

As I helped him up he leaned on me to keep his balance. Once he was completely untangled from his bike he said, “Thank you for stopping to help me. It was very kind of you.” “You are welcome,” I replied still resting my hand on his shoulder because I wanted him to feel he was not alone, that someone cared.

As he got back on his bike he thanked me again and slowly rode away.  I was grateful to be there to help. Maybe one day someone will find me sprawled out on a city sidewalk. If that ever happens, it sure will feel good to have someone stop and help. It will feel good to know I am not alone, that someone cares.

You Can When You Think You Can

My second favorite weight machineToday I woke up from a dream where I was telling myself, “Stop saying it is going to be so hard!” WOW! I immediately felt like a mental block had been shattered.

For several weeks I’ve felt overwhelmed thinking that exercising is becoming too hard, that I am getting too old, and just don’t have the energy. I’ve been telling myself that accomplishing the ever-growing list of to-do items and successfully juggling all of my responsibilities is going to be too hard.  I hated feeling so powerless. So I am grateful for such an empowering dream.

I went to the gym and kicked my own butt. I also made steady progress on the to-do list and managed to juggle my responsibilities just fine today.

It never ceases to amaze me how negative thinking can limit me. And, how changing those negative limiting thoughts can turn me right around to positive and powerful again.

We so rock when we continuously work to master a mind with a mind of its own.

 

 

RYS 045: Be the Little Engine That Can (podcast) http://romancingyoursoul.com/rys-045/

You Are Not Alone! When you Believe in Yourself you are Unstoppable. [Video]

When It’s Not God’s Will

I have a bone to pick with people who pass the buck to God for their lack of personal responsibility. This happened recently when a relative of the five year old boy who shot and killed his two year old sister with the gun his parent’s bought him for his birthday said, “It’s God’s will.”

Growing up in the Bible belt I heard this rationalization countless times; like when a young man in town with a history of alcohol abuse once again drove drunk and killed a car load of innocent people. To me passing the buck for the bad choices we make and the thoughtless actions we take is a cop out. It’s not a loving God’s will that so many lives are negatively impacted because a five year old child was given a deadly weapon or a young man selfishly did not prevent himself from endangering others.

The God of my belief gave me the power of choice. That means God wants me to be responsible for thinking before I act, for caring how my behavior will impact me and someone else, and for accepting personal responsibility for when the choices I make go wrong. One of those is anticipating how giving a child a deadly weapon is going to turn out well.